Something that always has and probably always will bother me is materialism. I feel like it the constant source of tearing people apart. I want nice things as much as the next person, but where do we draw the line? How much is too much? How can certain people justify their need of "things"?
Unfortunately, I feel like my generation and those younger than me are the worst. They have a certain entitlement for the best of the best. It literally makes me sick to see college aged kids and younger walking around with the newest technology, in the most expensive shoes/clothes and carrying designer purses. What for? You are a fickle teen to 20-something. Soon that item will be "out of style" and your parents will have to purchase you the next newest thing. I guess what bothers me the most about this is, the person with these items, is not working for them 80-90% of the time. And if said teen- to 20-something is actually paying for these items, how? Even on sale some of these items are still ridiculously priced. Most of the time, these people are putting these items on credit cards and racking up debt to impress people. How stupid is that? Why not save to go on an amazing trip, pay for your education, pay for your future children's education, invest in a hobby or business, donate to a charity, or do some thing for someone in your life that really matters to you? Or just pay your bills and live on a budget? (What a concept!!!)
I have never participated in Black Friday and I never will, for these reasons: 1) I hate mornings. 2) I hate crowds 3) I hate shopping 4) I don't need anything that bad and 5) Seeing the greed in these people would make me lose all faith in humanity. I can understand wanting to get a great deal if you are really on a budget and have a lot of people to buy Christmas gifts for but I feel like this is rarely the case. It really hurts me to hear about people being trampled, threatened or hurt every year on Black Friday. What kind of sick human being are you to think that your life and a stupid TV or whatever it is, is more important than another person's life?
I have everything I need. Do I sometimes think that I want more? Of course I do! I am human. But I have an apartment to live in, a car that is reliable enough to allow me to do the traveling I need to for work, plenty of clothes (though most of them are over 4 years old),enough shoes, and a comfy (pretty old) bed to sleep in. Many of you know that I am not a materialistic person. I don't go shopping often, most everything that I buy is on sale and I will NEVER own a designer purse. I don't need to be a status symbol. I don't need to blend in to our overly materialistic generation.
We are becoming a generation of lost soles and the only thing that matters is what we have, not what we can bring to life that matters. We are losing substance. We are losing touch of individuals that really matter and things that really matter. I strive everyday to be a person of substance. I strive to educate myself constantly on what is going on in our World and what really matters. I hope to someday be very successful at what I do, and I hope that I remain humble and giving. I hope I never get so wrapped up in the "things" I have that I forget about the people I have in my life.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
What I Want More Than Anything
You know when you watch movies (particularly Chick Flicks) and the group of girlfriends are constantly going out, having dinner/drinks, going to the gym and staying in watching some sappy movie or TV show? I want that! Now while I know my life is no chick flick and movies are not a reality, I really do believe some girls have this.
The reality of my life is that the majority of my closest girlfriends don't even live in the same state as I do. And the girlfriends I have here in Kansas are not in the same life phase as me at all. I want a girlfriend I can go to the gym with 3-5 times a week. I want a girlfriend that we have weekly dinners, whether that is going out or staying in and making something. I want a girlfriend I can meet with at the drop of the hat because one of us has had a stressful day. I want to be able to try the latest fitness craze, newest restaurant, or watch Chick Flicks with no shame.
Yes I have a boyfriend and no I am not lonely. I have a very fulfilled life. I just want more.
The reality of my life is that the majority of my closest girlfriends don't even live in the same state as I do. And the girlfriends I have here in Kansas are not in the same life phase as me at all. I want a girlfriend I can go to the gym with 3-5 times a week. I want a girlfriend that we have weekly dinners, whether that is going out or staying in and making something. I want a girlfriend I can meet with at the drop of the hat because one of us has had a stressful day. I want to be able to try the latest fitness craze, newest restaurant, or watch Chick Flicks with no shame.
Yes I have a boyfriend and no I am not lonely. I have a very fulfilled life. I just want more.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
25 Things I Can't Stand
I realized today that all my blogs have a pretty serious nature to them and I am not really a serious person at all. This one is meant to be funny, so find your humor and laugh along.
1. Lies/Liars/Lying- unless you are planning a surprise party of some sort or trying to bribe your child to go to sleep, is lying really necessary? For example, one of your friends says "Do you like my boyfriend/girlfriend?" (You actually can't stand them but instead you say...) OMG I love him/her. (Lie) He/she is totally amazing!(lie) You seem really great together! (Lie) Then in approximately 4-6 months (sometimes longer) you have to say.... Yeah, I never really liked him/her. I thought he/she was a total douche/bitch. Then what??? Your friend now hates you for letting them waste that much of their time.
2. Homophobia- They are not going to try to put it in your butt or eat your yatch. Get over yourself. You probably don't send off the gay vibe anyway and they probably think you are a total douche.
3. Clients that say they want a change but then tell me they don't want to cut off any length or change the color. Well wtf are you talking about then?
4. When people criticize me for being a vegan. No one told you that you can't eat meat or dairy. So eat your stupid slab of meat covered in cheese and STFU. I like being a vegan. It suits me and makes me happy.
5. People who drive in the left lane going below or just at the speed limit. I am speeding. I always do. Move over.
6. People who don't read. Pick up a GD book already and sound intelligent about something.
7. Girls posting half naked selfies on Instagram and getting 999,999 'likes' (slight exaggeration) Really? It's gross.
8. The people who are clicking 'like' on said picture. She is screaming for attention and you are giving it to her. Gross.
9. Rude waiters/waitresses. I've had your job, I know it sucks sometimes but if you are rude to me for no reason, it will effect your tip. Not sorry.
10. Overly pretentious, fratty, 20-something guys. You do not have money, your parents do. You are not better than me. You have zero life experience and you are a douche on top of that. Come find me in 5 years when you have gained a personality and a bank account of your own.
11. Girls who care about material things more than anything else. You may have a really nice bag but you have no soul.
12. People who smoke pot all day, everyday. Happy people don't do drugs. Fix your problems and stop trying to smoke them away.
13. When a barista puts whip cream on my soy latte.... Let's just think for a minute here. I can't have milk, so I probably can't have whip cream either.
14. Overly religious people. Religions are a lot like penises. They are all fine until someone is trying to jam theirs down your throat. Have your God, believe what you want to believe but please don't try to save me. I'm almost 28 yrs old. I've got this. If I wanted to go to church, I would.
15. Girls who still wear their hair platinum blond on top and black underneath. 2003 and the strip clubs called, they want their hair back. Seriously, just stop.
16. High waisted shorts/jeans. They are only cute on maybe 1% of girls, you are not that 1%.
17. Meat Heads. Hey beefy, where's the gym? How many protein drinks have you had today? Also, where is your neck? No, seriously...
18. When people refuse to listen to more than one genre of music. And the genre they usually like is the shittiest of all.
19. Dirty bathrooms. Whether it's in someone's home, a bar or a restaurant, nothing grosses me out more. I have to sit down to pee. Please clean it up.
20. Crying babies in grocery stores. I'm sorry moms but it makes my blood pressure rise and instantly puts me in a bad mood.
21. When people bring their children (who don't know how to behave in public) into the salon while they are having their hair done. That is not relaxing for anyone.
22. Pity-party throwers. No one feels sorry for you. We all have our own problems. Your pity party is a party for one. No one will be attending.
23. Racist people. It's 2012 almost 2013. You are stupid. And don't try to blame your parents or their parents. You are a grown person who can make your own opinions.
24. The color Yellow. I look horrible in it, therefore, I hate it. If you want me to be a bridesmaid in the future, don't pick yellow. I will decline.
25. People who don't appreciate my Birthday as much as I do. It's a big deal to me. Don't like it? Then don't speak to me the entire month of November.
1. Lies/Liars/Lying- unless you are planning a surprise party of some sort or trying to bribe your child to go to sleep, is lying really necessary? For example, one of your friends says "Do you like my boyfriend/girlfriend?" (You actually can't stand them but instead you say...) OMG I love him/her. (Lie) He/she is totally amazing!(lie) You seem really great together! (Lie) Then in approximately 4-6 months (sometimes longer) you have to say.... Yeah, I never really liked him/her. I thought he/she was a total douche/bitch. Then what??? Your friend now hates you for letting them waste that much of their time.
2. Homophobia- They are not going to try to put it in your butt or eat your yatch. Get over yourself. You probably don't send off the gay vibe anyway and they probably think you are a total douche.
3. Clients that say they want a change but then tell me they don't want to cut off any length or change the color. Well wtf are you talking about then?
4. When people criticize me for being a vegan. No one told you that you can't eat meat or dairy. So eat your stupid slab of meat covered in cheese and STFU. I like being a vegan. It suits me and makes me happy.
5. People who drive in the left lane going below or just at the speed limit. I am speeding. I always do. Move over.
6. People who don't read. Pick up a GD book already and sound intelligent about something.
7. Girls posting half naked selfies on Instagram and getting 999,999 'likes' (slight exaggeration) Really? It's gross.
8. The people who are clicking 'like' on said picture. She is screaming for attention and you are giving it to her. Gross.
9. Rude waiters/waitresses. I've had your job, I know it sucks sometimes but if you are rude to me for no reason, it will effect your tip. Not sorry.
10. Overly pretentious, fratty, 20-something guys. You do not have money, your parents do. You are not better than me. You have zero life experience and you are a douche on top of that. Come find me in 5 years when you have gained a personality and a bank account of your own.
11. Girls who care about material things more than anything else. You may have a really nice bag but you have no soul.
12. People who smoke pot all day, everyday. Happy people don't do drugs. Fix your problems and stop trying to smoke them away.
13. When a barista puts whip cream on my soy latte.... Let's just think for a minute here. I can't have milk, so I probably can't have whip cream either.
14. Overly religious people. Religions are a lot like penises. They are all fine until someone is trying to jam theirs down your throat. Have your God, believe what you want to believe but please don't try to save me. I'm almost 28 yrs old. I've got this. If I wanted to go to church, I would.
15. Girls who still wear their hair platinum blond on top and black underneath. 2003 and the strip clubs called, they want their hair back. Seriously, just stop.
16. High waisted shorts/jeans. They are only cute on maybe 1% of girls, you are not that 1%.
17. Meat Heads. Hey beefy, where's the gym? How many protein drinks have you had today? Also, where is your neck? No, seriously...
18. When people refuse to listen to more than one genre of music. And the genre they usually like is the shittiest of all.
19. Dirty bathrooms. Whether it's in someone's home, a bar or a restaurant, nothing grosses me out more. I have to sit down to pee. Please clean it up.
20. Crying babies in grocery stores. I'm sorry moms but it makes my blood pressure rise and instantly puts me in a bad mood.
21. When people bring their children (who don't know how to behave in public) into the salon while they are having their hair done. That is not relaxing for anyone.
22. Pity-party throwers. No one feels sorry for you. We all have our own problems. Your pity party is a party for one. No one will be attending.
23. Racist people. It's 2012 almost 2013. You are stupid. And don't try to blame your parents or their parents. You are a grown person who can make your own opinions.
24. The color Yellow. I look horrible in it, therefore, I hate it. If you want me to be a bridesmaid in the future, don't pick yellow. I will decline.
25. People who don't appreciate my Birthday as much as I do. It's a big deal to me. Don't like it? Then don't speak to me the entire month of November.
Monday, October 1, 2012
What Makes Me Feel Whole
I'm going to apologize now for this blog may just seem like a rambling of sorts. There has been so much going on in my life lately. People coming and going out of my life, events that have changed my life, things I have read that have opened my heart, and learning to be more loving.
What is have learned most lately, is how important it is to have a great support system. Many people find this at their work, church, school and other organizations. I am lucky enough to have a support system that I have acquired over the years. Some of my closest friends (Shane, Lacey, Julie and Audrey) I have known almost my entire life. I rarely see these 4 but when I do, we pick right back up where we left. We share in our successes and not so successful adventures. They get me.
This weekend, my college roommate Bri was back for a weekend from NYC. We went out and acted like we were 19 again. Bri and I only lived together for 5 months 9 years ago. Crazy to think that she is still in my life.
My Pureology family is my constant support in my career. Always inspiring me and pushing me further in my career. I started my journey with Pureology 2 years ago this month and met one of the best friends I could ever have. Andi, I am convinced, is my soulmate. She has so much wisdom, always knows the right thing to say and never let's me let go of my dreams.
I also have my newly acquired group of Lawrence friends (although somewhat disbanded for the next few months while Matt is away for work.) This group of friends welcomed me in as a complete outsider. I am older than almost all of them, maybe a little too crazy for most of them but they continue to invite me out with them.
My main support system are my clients. How lucky am I to get to do what I love 4 days a week and get paid to do it? I love getting to know my clients, building a relationship with them, and helping them feel better about themselves every time they sit down in my chair. Lately, I have had a little bit of negativity surrounding my career. Some opinions that I was not open to that really shook me. Within one week, I had a client tell me he would not be back because I lacked professionalism and customer service skills. (Even though I was not in the wrong) And an anonymous letter written to me, supposedly from one of my clients (not really sure about that though) saying that I don't care or know anything about them, I only care about myself. This is so far from the truth. I care greatly about my clients. I am a talker, always have been, always will be. In turn, most of my clients are talkers too. I love knowing what they have going on. It's not all about me like this person suggested. Those words hurt me so much. I think they hurt so much because I care so much for the people who sit down in my chair. I never want someone to have an unpleasant experience in my chair. Luckily, within this last week I have received 5 positive reviews from our email survey system. I am going to choose to focus on the positive and let go of that negativity.
The last few months have been interesting for my family. I wouldn't really say my family has been a support system for me, but things have been better as of late. My brother Matt is going through a horrible divorce and trying to get full custody of his kids. It has really shook my whole family up. No one in my family has ever been a product of divorce. I have tried to be there offering encouraging words to my brother as much as I can. When I was having my rough week he called to check on me. My problems are just a glimmer compared to what he is going through and yet he was calling to make sure that I was okay. He also told me that he loved me for the first time ever. I tell my friends I love them all the time but never tell my family. It made me feel so guilty. Of course, I said I love you back. Why is it that we have to wait until something is wrong in my family to learn to appreciate what we have. I am nothing like the rest of my family, but that is okay. I am trying to learn that although they don't really understand or accept a lot of my life I can still give my love to them.
Lately, music and books have really been a huge part of my life. I've never really taken the opportunity to see concerts that I have wanted to but this summer I promised myself I would. So just this summer I have seen Young the Giant, Alabama Shakes, Eletric Guest, Garbage, Fun., SilverSun Pickups, The Lumineers and going to see Florence + The Machine tonight. Good live music makes my soul happy. Being a former music major, it makes me miss singing so much but also makes me incredibly happy at the same time.
Two books that I have drawn a lot of wisdom from lately are Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama and 5 Languages of Love. Beyond Religion is probably the greatest book I have ever read. It has become a manual of how I want to live my life. To look for happiness everyday, to give love to people even when they don't deserve it, to see others as humans just like myself no matter their background or religion, and to let go of the hatred I have held for some people. Reading this book made me think of 5 Languages of Love, which I read a long time ago. But it reminded me that not all people love the same way. The 5 love languages are; words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gift giving and physical touch. Every person in your life is going to give and receive love differently. My love language is words of affirmation, which is why negative feedback can ruin my day, week, month or year. I need positive words. I need people to love and support me. I've been called needy a few too many times in my life, but it really isn't that. I just need something from those people that they weren't willing to give. I have been trying to evaluate all the people in my life and see what love language I think they are. If you are interested to know what you are there is an online quiz you can take, just google 5 love languages.
Okay rambling over. Thank you to allow those that support and love me. My one request is that you help me on my quest to be more loving and help me focus on the positive.
What is have learned most lately, is how important it is to have a great support system. Many people find this at their work, church, school and other organizations. I am lucky enough to have a support system that I have acquired over the years. Some of my closest friends (Shane, Lacey, Julie and Audrey) I have known almost my entire life. I rarely see these 4 but when I do, we pick right back up where we left. We share in our successes and not so successful adventures. They get me.
This weekend, my college roommate Bri was back for a weekend from NYC. We went out and acted like we were 19 again. Bri and I only lived together for 5 months 9 years ago. Crazy to think that she is still in my life.
My Pureology family is my constant support in my career. Always inspiring me and pushing me further in my career. I started my journey with Pureology 2 years ago this month and met one of the best friends I could ever have. Andi, I am convinced, is my soulmate. She has so much wisdom, always knows the right thing to say and never let's me let go of my dreams.
I also have my newly acquired group of Lawrence friends (although somewhat disbanded for the next few months while Matt is away for work.) This group of friends welcomed me in as a complete outsider. I am older than almost all of them, maybe a little too crazy for most of them but they continue to invite me out with them.
My main support system are my clients. How lucky am I to get to do what I love 4 days a week and get paid to do it? I love getting to know my clients, building a relationship with them, and helping them feel better about themselves every time they sit down in my chair. Lately, I have had a little bit of negativity surrounding my career. Some opinions that I was not open to that really shook me. Within one week, I had a client tell me he would not be back because I lacked professionalism and customer service skills. (Even though I was not in the wrong) And an anonymous letter written to me, supposedly from one of my clients (not really sure about that though) saying that I don't care or know anything about them, I only care about myself. This is so far from the truth. I care greatly about my clients. I am a talker, always have been, always will be. In turn, most of my clients are talkers too. I love knowing what they have going on. It's not all about me like this person suggested. Those words hurt me so much. I think they hurt so much because I care so much for the people who sit down in my chair. I never want someone to have an unpleasant experience in my chair. Luckily, within this last week I have received 5 positive reviews from our email survey system. I am going to choose to focus on the positive and let go of that negativity.
The last few months have been interesting for my family. I wouldn't really say my family has been a support system for me, but things have been better as of late. My brother Matt is going through a horrible divorce and trying to get full custody of his kids. It has really shook my whole family up. No one in my family has ever been a product of divorce. I have tried to be there offering encouraging words to my brother as much as I can. When I was having my rough week he called to check on me. My problems are just a glimmer compared to what he is going through and yet he was calling to make sure that I was okay. He also told me that he loved me for the first time ever. I tell my friends I love them all the time but never tell my family. It made me feel so guilty. Of course, I said I love you back. Why is it that we have to wait until something is wrong in my family to learn to appreciate what we have. I am nothing like the rest of my family, but that is okay. I am trying to learn that although they don't really understand or accept a lot of my life I can still give my love to them.
Lately, music and books have really been a huge part of my life. I've never really taken the opportunity to see concerts that I have wanted to but this summer I promised myself I would. So just this summer I have seen Young the Giant, Alabama Shakes, Eletric Guest, Garbage, Fun., SilverSun Pickups, The Lumineers and going to see Florence + The Machine tonight. Good live music makes my soul happy. Being a former music major, it makes me miss singing so much but also makes me incredibly happy at the same time.
Two books that I have drawn a lot of wisdom from lately are Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama and 5 Languages of Love. Beyond Religion is probably the greatest book I have ever read. It has become a manual of how I want to live my life. To look for happiness everyday, to give love to people even when they don't deserve it, to see others as humans just like myself no matter their background or religion, and to let go of the hatred I have held for some people. Reading this book made me think of 5 Languages of Love, which I read a long time ago. But it reminded me that not all people love the same way. The 5 love languages are; words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gift giving and physical touch. Every person in your life is going to give and receive love differently. My love language is words of affirmation, which is why negative feedback can ruin my day, week, month or year. I need positive words. I need people to love and support me. I've been called needy a few too many times in my life, but it really isn't that. I just need something from those people that they weren't willing to give. I have been trying to evaluate all the people in my life and see what love language I think they are. If you are interested to know what you are there is an online quiz you can take, just google 5 love languages.
Okay rambling over. Thank you to allow those that support and love me. My one request is that you help me on my quest to be more loving and help me focus on the positive.
Monday, August 20, 2012
A Beautiful and Intoxicating Summer
If I had to sum up my summer in just a few words it would be, friends, pool time, Florida, music, vodka and a whole lot of fun. It was more than I could have ever asked for and one I will compare my summers to from here on out.
The summer really started for me when I left for Boca Raton, FL for 5 days and 4 nights to attend my yearly Pureology training. (which we call Synergy) It is a time for all of the Artists from the US and a few other countries to get together to learn more about our company and develop our skills as an Artist.
The trip definitely had it's rocky points but overall, it was a success. I finally took my Redken Certified hair colorist test, and I feel as though it went really well. Best of all I got to spend time with my friends that I have made through Pureology and build new friendships. As my second year at Synergy, it wasn't nearly as warm and fuzzy as the first year was. I missed that. Not that I am an overly affectionate person, but I kinda need that, let's all get together, hug, sing, cry and be one big happy family, as stupid as that sounds. Every time I am at training, it makes me realize more and more that I am not where I am suppose to be. It makes it incredibly hard to go back home, where I don't feel challenged or inspired. It makes me want to pack my bags the minute I get home and start out on a new journey.
This summer, I also had the opportunity to be the make up artist for The Women of KU calendar. It took me back to FL for another 5 days and 4 nights. It was a very busy 5 days, filled with constant excitement. I had a lot of fun showing off my make up skills and I hope that it is something that I will be able to do more in the future.
It wouldn't be summer, without a little summer romance, right? I feel like my clients are constantly asking me if there is a guy in my life. I lie to most of them and say no. But the fact is, I am almost always talking to someone. (I didn't say sleeping with, I'm not a whore... Anymore) I have been on a lot of dates this summer. I had 2 delirious weeks with someone before he moved away. As much as I try to be open to dating, I am a pessimist at heart. I know from the very moment that I meet someone why it won't work out. I let that eat at me until I become completely uninterested in the person. I have this incredible ability of pushing men away and telling myself that I am going to die alone. Yet, I continue the cycle of giving someone my number, texting them, hanging out with them and getting to know them, when I know deep down it will never go any where. If I had to be completely honest, if any man expressed actual interest in me and not just my vagina.... First I would be shocked and second I would think something was seriously wrong with him. Is it possible to love who I am as a person and hate myself in a relationship? I do. In a relationship, I am cold, I don't express emotions, and I'm not myself. I say I want to be more open, but I don't. I say I want to be more loving and affectionate, but I can't. I guess my ideal relationship is not what most people would want. I really want nothing in my life to change. I just want to have sex with one person, who I know has feelings for me and I feel the same for him, without having to spend every waking fucking moment with them. I like my space. Since I have moved into my studio apartment, I have realized just how much I like my space. Some days I want to lay on the couch and read all day. Some days I want to blare hateful chick music and clean like a crackhead. And most days, I just want to be alone. I don't really want you in my bed because I want to sleep on my stomach damnit. I also don't want you to touch my stuff or see how bad my bed head is. Men ruin my routine, they make my head hurt and make me unhappy. But I continue to go back to see if I might change my mind. I won't.
The best decision I made this summer as far as relationships go, is to end one that was the epitome of on and off again year of dysfunction. It served me no purpose. He was colder than I could ever dream of being with only a few glimmers of hope. One of my friends actually called him a dildo because he was nothing more than something to stick in my vagina. "Dildos don't talk and can't express emotion. I don't know why you are trying to make it do something that it can't." I needed to hear that.
I think I just like getting to know people. I guess I am somewhat of a flirt and I like knowing that I have the ability to attract people. It's easy to do in Lawrence. It's small enough and it's filled with young,naive people. With that said...
Lawrence will always be my home in KS, but it just isn't enough for me. I love my friends here but I also know that they too, will move away. In fact, my friends have been incredible this summer. We have spent many afternoons just laying in the pool, drinking iced coffee. In my opinion, it doesn't get better than that. We have gone to concerts and we have made fools of ourselves at the bars. In try hard to embrace the idea that it is okay for me to act 22/23 even though I am 27. Through my friends, I feel like I have learned a lot about myself this summer. I have never felt more self-aware and happy as I am right now. What I know for sure is that, more than anything, I just want to have fun and laugh. I know that I need people in my life who appreciate my humor and the ridiculousness that comes along with it. I need people who also value me as a friend and know that I am still going to make mistakes. I need people who keep my passions in check and constantly pushing me towards my goals.
The summer really started for me when I left for Boca Raton, FL for 5 days and 4 nights to attend my yearly Pureology training. (which we call Synergy) It is a time for all of the Artists from the US and a few other countries to get together to learn more about our company and develop our skills as an Artist.
The trip definitely had it's rocky points but overall, it was a success. I finally took my Redken Certified hair colorist test, and I feel as though it went really well. Best of all I got to spend time with my friends that I have made through Pureology and build new friendships. As my second year at Synergy, it wasn't nearly as warm and fuzzy as the first year was. I missed that. Not that I am an overly affectionate person, but I kinda need that, let's all get together, hug, sing, cry and be one big happy family, as stupid as that sounds. Every time I am at training, it makes me realize more and more that I am not where I am suppose to be. It makes it incredibly hard to go back home, where I don't feel challenged or inspired. It makes me want to pack my bags the minute I get home and start out on a new journey.
This summer, I also had the opportunity to be the make up artist for The Women of KU calendar. It took me back to FL for another 5 days and 4 nights. It was a very busy 5 days, filled with constant excitement. I had a lot of fun showing off my make up skills and I hope that it is something that I will be able to do more in the future.
It wouldn't be summer, without a little summer romance, right? I feel like my clients are constantly asking me if there is a guy in my life. I lie to most of them and say no. But the fact is, I am almost always talking to someone. (I didn't say sleeping with, I'm not a whore... Anymore) I have been on a lot of dates this summer. I had 2 delirious weeks with someone before he moved away. As much as I try to be open to dating, I am a pessimist at heart. I know from the very moment that I meet someone why it won't work out. I let that eat at me until I become completely uninterested in the person. I have this incredible ability of pushing men away and telling myself that I am going to die alone. Yet, I continue the cycle of giving someone my number, texting them, hanging out with them and getting to know them, when I know deep down it will never go any where. If I had to be completely honest, if any man expressed actual interest in me and not just my vagina.... First I would be shocked and second I would think something was seriously wrong with him. Is it possible to love who I am as a person and hate myself in a relationship? I do. In a relationship, I am cold, I don't express emotions, and I'm not myself. I say I want to be more open, but I don't. I say I want to be more loving and affectionate, but I can't. I guess my ideal relationship is not what most people would want. I really want nothing in my life to change. I just want to have sex with one person, who I know has feelings for me and I feel the same for him, without having to spend every waking fucking moment with them. I like my space. Since I have moved into my studio apartment, I have realized just how much I like my space. Some days I want to lay on the couch and read all day. Some days I want to blare hateful chick music and clean like a crackhead. And most days, I just want to be alone. I don't really want you in my bed because I want to sleep on my stomach damnit. I also don't want you to touch my stuff or see how bad my bed head is. Men ruin my routine, they make my head hurt and make me unhappy. But I continue to go back to see if I might change my mind. I won't.
The best decision I made this summer as far as relationships go, is to end one that was the epitome of on and off again year of dysfunction. It served me no purpose. He was colder than I could ever dream of being with only a few glimmers of hope. One of my friends actually called him a dildo because he was nothing more than something to stick in my vagina. "Dildos don't talk and can't express emotion. I don't know why you are trying to make it do something that it can't." I needed to hear that.
I think I just like getting to know people. I guess I am somewhat of a flirt and I like knowing that I have the ability to attract people. It's easy to do in Lawrence. It's small enough and it's filled with young,naive people. With that said...
Lawrence will always be my home in KS, but it just isn't enough for me. I love my friends here but I also know that they too, will move away. In fact, my friends have been incredible this summer. We have spent many afternoons just laying in the pool, drinking iced coffee. In my opinion, it doesn't get better than that. We have gone to concerts and we have made fools of ourselves at the bars. In try hard to embrace the idea that it is okay for me to act 22/23 even though I am 27. Through my friends, I feel like I have learned a lot about myself this summer. I have never felt more self-aware and happy as I am right now. What I know for sure is that, more than anything, I just want to have fun and laugh. I know that I need people in my life who appreciate my humor and the ridiculousness that comes along with it. I need people who also value me as a friend and know that I am still going to make mistakes. I need people who keep my passions in check and constantly pushing me towards my goals.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
What It Means To Me To Be A Hairstylist
For a long time I let the stereotype of hairstylists bother me. If you are not aware of that stereotype, let me tell you,it is that all of us are stupid and we aren't smart enough to go to college. What a horrible opinion to have of a large group of people. I think I let it bother me for so long because I did go to college for a semester first and I just simply did not want to be there. So with encouragement from my roommate I decided to leave at the end of the semester and go to Cosmetology school. I then enrolled at two different Cosmetology schools before the second one was a good fit for me. My parents continued to express their concern that I was never going to finish anything and that maybe I needed to go to a community college until I figured out what I wanted to do. The thing is, I am not stupid. I never struggled in school. In fact, I never studied a day in my life and I was always on the Honor Roll.
As we progressed through my cosmetology program, we started talking about educators and platform artists. Instantly, I knew that that is where I would belong. I have always loved being in front of people and sharing what I know. Then as I got on to the floor at school and actually started working on clients instead of mannequins, I realized I had a natural talent for doing hair.
My career as a hairstylist has been all over the map. I have worked in 6 different salons and with many types of hairstylists. Some that have inspired me to better myself and some that have inspired me to never be like them. I have to say the salon where I learned the most was the first salon I worked at here in Lawrence. The owner had been an educator for Redken for 8 years and the manager was a nationally board certified colorist. This is where I really learned how to cut hair. I was an apprentice for 9 months under the owner, which basically meant I did everything but cut and color hair. Even though I wasn't actually touching the hair, I was watching everyone's movement like a hawk. I wanted to know why and how they were doing what they were doing. The owner was an incredible hair cutter. She also introduced me via DVD's to Chris Baran and Sam Villa. (Who I have now met both in person) And the manager taught me everything I know about hair color. I gained great confidence in my skills at this salon but was still very unsure about what other people would think of me because I was "just a hairstylist".
Let's skip over a few years of floundering and soul searching and fast forward to 2 years ago when I decided I wanted to be an educator for Pureology. Honestly, I was not in the place to audition. My clientele wasn't and still isn't where I would like it to be, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would. This is possibly the best decision I have ever made in my life. Through my orientation into Pureology, I met one of my very best friends Andi Scarbrough. I cannot thank her enough for what a source of inspiration she has been to me. Since I have been with Pureology, I have had the opportunity to meet, share and learn from the best in our industry. In a little over a month, I will be in Boca Raton, FL for our yearly training along with 200+ PureArtists. While I am there, I will also be taking the Redken Certified Haircolorists Exam. The exam takes an entire day from 9-5. It includes a multiple choice section which covers all the principles and chemistry of haircolor as well as knowing the different color lines and families. The next section is a scenario essay, which includes the how to of haircoloring and giving step by step instructions of how to formulate and achieve each hair color. The last portion is the practical part. We have to complete several different haircolor applications in a timely matter. Even though the test is 5 1/2 weeks away I have already been studying a significant amount. I want to walk away from the test without any doubt that I passed. (Which is an 80% on both written parts and 85% on the practical) I also hope Andi is standing outside the door with a strong cocktail the minute I finish my test. I will be there for 3 more days after my test to brush up on my cutting and styling techniques with our Artistic Directors for Pureology. I cannot wait to be in Boca with my Pureology family. They are a constant source of inspiration for me.
Recently, I have been teaching quite a few classes for Pureology. I am so excited to be able to go into other salons and share what I know and love about Pureology with them. I love being able to see them learn new things that I know that they will pass on to their clients and help them have a more successful career.
A friend of mine (who I met through cutting his hair)recently said to me, "I never thought you were just a hairstylist. I knew you were educated and passionate since the first time I met you." This was honestly the best compliment I have ever received. At dinner the other night he said, "You have what is called a super passion, a lot of people don't have that. A lot of people just go through their life and work jobs that they hate to pay the bills. You get to do something you love and that you are good at everyday." That is what it truly means to me to be a hairstylist, doing something I love and continuing to grow and learn everyday. With the recent passing of Vidal Sassoon, I realize how much I can touch the lives of others. I can only hope to have half as much of an impact on my profession as he did. I am not a hairsylist because I gave up or because I was not smart enough to go to college. I am a hairstylist because I cannot imagine doing anything else.
As we progressed through my cosmetology program, we started talking about educators and platform artists. Instantly, I knew that that is where I would belong. I have always loved being in front of people and sharing what I know. Then as I got on to the floor at school and actually started working on clients instead of mannequins, I realized I had a natural talent for doing hair.
My career as a hairstylist has been all over the map. I have worked in 6 different salons and with many types of hairstylists. Some that have inspired me to better myself and some that have inspired me to never be like them. I have to say the salon where I learned the most was the first salon I worked at here in Lawrence. The owner had been an educator for Redken for 8 years and the manager was a nationally board certified colorist. This is where I really learned how to cut hair. I was an apprentice for 9 months under the owner, which basically meant I did everything but cut and color hair. Even though I wasn't actually touching the hair, I was watching everyone's movement like a hawk. I wanted to know why and how they were doing what they were doing. The owner was an incredible hair cutter. She also introduced me via DVD's to Chris Baran and Sam Villa. (Who I have now met both in person) And the manager taught me everything I know about hair color. I gained great confidence in my skills at this salon but was still very unsure about what other people would think of me because I was "just a hairstylist".
Let's skip over a few years of floundering and soul searching and fast forward to 2 years ago when I decided I wanted to be an educator for Pureology. Honestly, I was not in the place to audition. My clientele wasn't and still isn't where I would like it to be, but I knew if I didn't do it then, I never would. This is possibly the best decision I have ever made in my life. Through my orientation into Pureology, I met one of my very best friends Andi Scarbrough. I cannot thank her enough for what a source of inspiration she has been to me. Since I have been with Pureology, I have had the opportunity to meet, share and learn from the best in our industry. In a little over a month, I will be in Boca Raton, FL for our yearly training along with 200+ PureArtists. While I am there, I will also be taking the Redken Certified Haircolorists Exam. The exam takes an entire day from 9-5. It includes a multiple choice section which covers all the principles and chemistry of haircolor as well as knowing the different color lines and families. The next section is a scenario essay, which includes the how to of haircoloring and giving step by step instructions of how to formulate and achieve each hair color. The last portion is the practical part. We have to complete several different haircolor applications in a timely matter. Even though the test is 5 1/2 weeks away I have already been studying a significant amount. I want to walk away from the test without any doubt that I passed. (Which is an 80% on both written parts and 85% on the practical) I also hope Andi is standing outside the door with a strong cocktail the minute I finish my test. I will be there for 3 more days after my test to brush up on my cutting and styling techniques with our Artistic Directors for Pureology. I cannot wait to be in Boca with my Pureology family. They are a constant source of inspiration for me.
Recently, I have been teaching quite a few classes for Pureology. I am so excited to be able to go into other salons and share what I know and love about Pureology with them. I love being able to see them learn new things that I know that they will pass on to their clients and help them have a more successful career.
A friend of mine (who I met through cutting his hair)recently said to me, "I never thought you were just a hairstylist. I knew you were educated and passionate since the first time I met you." This was honestly the best compliment I have ever received. At dinner the other night he said, "You have what is called a super passion, a lot of people don't have that. A lot of people just go through their life and work jobs that they hate to pay the bills. You get to do something you love and that you are good at everyday." That is what it truly means to me to be a hairstylist, doing something I love and continuing to grow and learn everyday. With the recent passing of Vidal Sassoon, I realize how much I can touch the lives of others. I can only hope to have half as much of an impact on my profession as he did. I am not a hairsylist because I gave up or because I was not smart enough to go to college. I am a hairstylist because I cannot imagine doing anything else.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
27
You know that age when you are younger and you think, by age _ I will have it all figured out. I will be in a successful relationship, have a career I am successful at, and know where you are going in life? Well for me that age has always been 27. Mind you, growing up I was very into music and was a bit obsessed with musicians that had taken or lost their lives at 27. Obviously, it is way too young to die, but now that I am that age it doesn't surprise me that there seems to be a trend of people who take their life at 27. I am in no way saying I want to die. I have way too many things I still want to accomplish in my life. But the point is, I thought they would be done by now.
I have recently started hanging out with a new group of friends that I met through my friend/client Matt. There really isn't a person in the group of friends that I don't care for. Some that I connect with more than others, but no one I can't stand. That says something to me. They are all such good people, are going places and accepting of everyone. I love this about them. The only thing that bothers me when I am around them is that I am older than all of them. I know it doesn't bother any of them, but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if it is weird that I hang out with people so much younger than me. Especially when we are out drinking and I get carded like the rest of them. I guess I should be thankful that they think I am young enough to need to be carded and that most people are shocked when they find out I am 27. Granted, I think this is mainly because I am not married and don't have any children. Because let's be honest, most women my age in the mid-west are married with children.
I can only hope that I will learn to let go of feeling inadequate and understand that each of them were put in my life at this point for a reason. I am pretty sure the reason is for me to start believing in myself and to know that I am going places in life.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Nothing Changes, If You Change Nothing
I have heard this phrase for much of my life, as I am sure most of you have. What does it really mean, though? I know I constantly find myself in a place where I want to change but because I can't really change my surroundings, friends, and family, that change has never really occurred. Over the years I have grown up and slowly morphed into more of an adult. I've gained some friends, I've lost some friends. I have bounced around from salon to salon hoping that something magical will happen and I will suddenly love where I work. I am constantly saying how much I would love a "start over" button.
Since I know that life isn't really going to give me a "start over" button. I think it is time that I really give my attention to the things I would like to change and actively pursue a better life everyday. Because of a recent event that happened in my life, I have spent the last month of my life crying, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. This is not the way I want to live my life. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy to be as sad as I have been. But not only sad, extremely hateful as well. I hate people for being happy, successful, having a large group of friends, and nearly anything that I feel I don't have. I have never considered myself to be a jealous person, but the hate that has filled my life in the last month is absolutely disgusting. I am ashamed to admit I feel this way.
I wish for nothing more in my life than to feel successful. I love what I do and I am very good at what I do. This didn't come completely naturally, I have spent a lot of time in the last 7 years attending continuing education. I know that I will always continue learning because I have a great passion for my career. What I want to focus my attention on in my career is finding a clientele that has an appreciation for how hard I have worked. I also want to spend my down time focusing on how I can grow as a stylist. I can't wait for the day that I am working on stage at a hair show for Pureology. But this does not come over night. I am going to have to practice patience and know that it will happen when the time is right. But until then, perfecting my skill and believing that it will happen.
Secondly, building my group of friends. Eesh! Making friends has been a struggle for me in my adult life. Many of my friends are friends I have had since I was 6 years old, unfortunately, they are spread out all over the state and country. I know I have a strong personality and I am a lot to take in, but I can also be an amazing friend. I am not sure what vibe I send out to women that they feel the need to automatically hate me but I would seriously like to change this. I hate that I can literally walk into a room full of women and without saying a thing, I already have haters. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to approach them to make them change their minds about me. Ladies, I have my insecurities just like you. Stop hating! Being in my late 20's and single makes it very hard to find new friends that are in the same place in their life. It is uncomfortable to have to reach out and make new friends. It almost feels desperate at times. But who doesn't need a good group of friends?
Next, my family life. Serious Eesh! I have tried for so many years to embrace my differences while still trying to make them happy. Ok, let's be realistic. That is NOT going to happen. I am very different from anyone else in my family, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I have allowed them for so long to have a negative opinion about me and my life. Now is the time to let them know that that is no longer acceptable. I will no longer let them make me feel bad about my life choices. I am not stripping, doing drugs, in prison, drinking too much nor have I killed anyone. I am a good person! My opinions may be different than theirs, but that is because I choose to be more open minded. I wouldn't want to be as narrow minded as they are or be living the life they think I should live.
And lastly, my love life. Serious UGH! I think a relationship will happen when I choose to forgive myself for all my failures. I cannot let my past define me. Yes, I have more experience than most but that doesn't mean I need to feel ashamed. I have to learn from my mistakes, let go and be less guarded. The hardest thing for me in dating is trusting someone. Not just in the sense of cheating, but believing anything they say. I have been filled with so much bull shit it is actually quite disgusting. I need to remember that not all men are bad. (But seriously, can the majority of you stop being douche bags) And that when the time is right, the right man is going to come into my life and change my perspective on everything.
If you haven't listened to Florence + The Machine's 'Shake it out', do so now. That is my current theme song. Here is to change, letting go and moving on for a happier, healthier life filled with success, friends, support, love and mostly laughter!
Since I know that life isn't really going to give me a "start over" button. I think it is time that I really give my attention to the things I would like to change and actively pursue a better life everyday. Because of a recent event that happened in my life, I have spent the last month of my life crying, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. This is not the way I want to live my life. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy to be as sad as I have been. But not only sad, extremely hateful as well. I hate people for being happy, successful, having a large group of friends, and nearly anything that I feel I don't have. I have never considered myself to be a jealous person, but the hate that has filled my life in the last month is absolutely disgusting. I am ashamed to admit I feel this way.
I wish for nothing more in my life than to feel successful. I love what I do and I am very good at what I do. This didn't come completely naturally, I have spent a lot of time in the last 7 years attending continuing education. I know that I will always continue learning because I have a great passion for my career. What I want to focus my attention on in my career is finding a clientele that has an appreciation for how hard I have worked. I also want to spend my down time focusing on how I can grow as a stylist. I can't wait for the day that I am working on stage at a hair show for Pureology. But this does not come over night. I am going to have to practice patience and know that it will happen when the time is right. But until then, perfecting my skill and believing that it will happen.
Secondly, building my group of friends. Eesh! Making friends has been a struggle for me in my adult life. Many of my friends are friends I have had since I was 6 years old, unfortunately, they are spread out all over the state and country. I know I have a strong personality and I am a lot to take in, but I can also be an amazing friend. I am not sure what vibe I send out to women that they feel the need to automatically hate me but I would seriously like to change this. I hate that I can literally walk into a room full of women and without saying a thing, I already have haters. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to approach them to make them change their minds about me. Ladies, I have my insecurities just like you. Stop hating! Being in my late 20's and single makes it very hard to find new friends that are in the same place in their life. It is uncomfortable to have to reach out and make new friends. It almost feels desperate at times. But who doesn't need a good group of friends?
Next, my family life. Serious Eesh! I have tried for so many years to embrace my differences while still trying to make them happy. Ok, let's be realistic. That is NOT going to happen. I am very different from anyone else in my family, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I have allowed them for so long to have a negative opinion about me and my life. Now is the time to let them know that that is no longer acceptable. I will no longer let them make me feel bad about my life choices. I am not stripping, doing drugs, in prison, drinking too much nor have I killed anyone. I am a good person! My opinions may be different than theirs, but that is because I choose to be more open minded. I wouldn't want to be as narrow minded as they are or be living the life they think I should live.
And lastly, my love life. Serious UGH! I think a relationship will happen when I choose to forgive myself for all my failures. I cannot let my past define me. Yes, I have more experience than most but that doesn't mean I need to feel ashamed. I have to learn from my mistakes, let go and be less guarded. The hardest thing for me in dating is trusting someone. Not just in the sense of cheating, but believing anything they say. I have been filled with so much bull shit it is actually quite disgusting. I need to remember that not all men are bad. (But seriously, can the majority of you stop being douche bags) And that when the time is right, the right man is going to come into my life and change my perspective on everything.
If you haven't listened to Florence + The Machine's 'Shake it out', do so now. That is my current theme song. Here is to change, letting go and moving on for a happier, healthier life filled with success, friends, support, love and mostly laughter!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Non-Commital, Much?
As I have begun to try to date again, I have realized that I am terribly non-committal. I find this quality very annoying in a man but, for some reason, it is fine for me to be this way?!I must send out the non-committal vibe into the universe because those are the type of men I attract as well. As I look back to my past "relationship" it really is no wonder that I have a hard time committing.
(All names have been changed to initials for the sake of privacy)
My very first "relationship" when I was 15 consisted of hanging out with GM everyday after school and on weekends but at school, he claimed that we were nothing. He made fun of me to his friends and classmates. But when we were alone, he told me how much he liked me. He continued to jerk around my feelings for several months, in fact, through most of my Sophomore year of High School. At the end of my Sophomore year I had a falling out with that group of friends and that is what got me away from him.
The rest of High School I was pretty much single, with the exception of a few non-serious flings. But to say those flings didn't have some effect of me would be a lie. Most of these flings got what they wanted out of me, then never talked to me again. I think this is when I started believing that no one would ever love me.
My life hit an all time low while I was in hair school and I became involved with an abusive alcoholic.(RG) He was the stereotype of an abuser. When things were bad, they were really bad and when things were good, they were really good. The night that stands out most in my mind was when he should up at my place at 3 am (which was typical) I wasn't in the mood to deal with him and just wanted to sleep. He got really mad at me and picked me up and threw me into my wall. I told him he needed to leave. He started apologizing all over himself and I walked him to the door. I went back to my room and could hear that he was still in his car outside. He then began calling my phone repeatedly even though I wasn't answering. After quite awhile, I went outside and told him to leave. He then started screaming at me to get in the car. I was so afraid, I just got in the car. (I know, stupid) he then proceeded to drive 130 mph through town and on the highway out to his house in the country. When we were just a few minutes from his place, one of his friends called, he slowed down and was talking to him like nothing was wrong. When he got off the phone I was still crying and scared. He acted like he had no idea why. We got to his place and wanted to be affectionate and loving and couldn't understand why I didn't. The next morning he took me home and I recapped the night for him and he said he didn't remember any of it. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks after that. I broke things off with him and vowed to never see him again. He called and showed up to my apartment almost every night for 6 weeks. Looking back, I have no idea how I made it through that alive.
That "relationship" sent me into a tailspin of damaging behaviors. I had lost all respect for myself. A year later after things ended with RG I met EM. I wanted to be with him more than I had ever wanted to be with anyone before. He was 5 years older, and the kind of person I always saw myself with. But once again, he "didn't want a girlfriend". He played with my feelings for 4 months then said he didn't want to be with me anymore. 3 weeks later, he showed up at my apartment out of nowhere saying that he missed me and he had made a mistake. I told him in that time that I had decided I was moving to Lawrence in 2 months. After I moved, we continued to see each other and talk all the time for over a year. The Christmas a year and a half after I moved we were suppose to meet up. When I got to Manhattan he wasn't answering his phone, I waited at my friends for 2 1/2 hours before I finally went home. He called me the minute I got home and asked where I was. A few days later I was stalking him on Myspace (funny, I know) to find out that he had spent Christmas day with the girl he was apparently dating family.
Throw in a few more damaging flings. Then insert DT, said he really enjoyed being with me but could never marry a girl like me. He really wanted to be married and have babies. He also messaged me 2 weeks before his wedding to ask me if I would be his last fling before the ring. I never responded, obviously.
Few more damaging flings, Then I met AB. Or as my mom called him schmoozer, schmoozer. He was a groomsmen in my sister's wedding. So he couldn't have been that bad of a guy right? Wrong! He filled me full of bullshit for 6 weeks. He told me he really liked me but wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of how his last one ended. Apparently, his last one wasn't exactly over. I had been up at his place 2 weekends in a row and had left my swimsuit there because he had a hot tub. The last time I went up there I went to go change into my swim suit to discover another girls swim suit in his bathroom. His bathroom was in his room and no one else used it. I asked him about it and he tried to convince me that that was my swim suit. I was pissed. and drunk and crazy. The next morning I called my sister bawling. The next day his "ex" posted pics of them on Facebook at a concert and back at his place and in the hot tub in that infamous swim suit. (Insert full on emotional breakdown)
I met AL a few months after that. He was different than anyone I had ever met before. I clung onto him for dear life. FINALLY SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME! I saw the problems in our relationship but I turned a blind eye to them because I thought this was my one and only chance for love. My family loved him, he loved me and I loved him. I just kept telling myself to not push him away, and to not be myself because I would lose him and then what? I would be alone again? and I would have to date again? We can see how well that has went for me before. I gained weight that I had worked so hard to lose. I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore because I hated who I had become. Which fueled his jealousy. I was so filled with hate by the time that everything had officially ended between us, I didn't think I would ever date again.
After 8 months of being single, I think it is time. I am still so gun shy that someone is going to use me or hurt me. I have become extremely bitter and cynical and chose to only believe maybe half of what a guy says to me. I want to believe that there are still good guys out there and there will be someone who will want to be with me for the long haul. I want someone to prove me wrong. I want someone who can love me for just the way I am. I don't want to be fixed, or changed. Although, I would like for someone to break down these walls and make me a more loving person. Make me feel like I deserve love.
There it is, folks. The most honesty you will probably ever get out of me. It's not pretty but it's only a mistake if you don't learn from it. I am learning and I try to work on myself everyday. The right person will come along when the time is right and I am ready. Here's hoping that getting all of this out there helps me heal and move on.
(Side note: Listening to Natasha Bedingfield's song Recover while finishing this blog, not my best idea.)
(All names have been changed to initials for the sake of privacy)
My very first "relationship" when I was 15 consisted of hanging out with GM everyday after school and on weekends but at school, he claimed that we were nothing. He made fun of me to his friends and classmates. But when we were alone, he told me how much he liked me. He continued to jerk around my feelings for several months, in fact, through most of my Sophomore year of High School. At the end of my Sophomore year I had a falling out with that group of friends and that is what got me away from him.
The rest of High School I was pretty much single, with the exception of a few non-serious flings. But to say those flings didn't have some effect of me would be a lie. Most of these flings got what they wanted out of me, then never talked to me again. I think this is when I started believing that no one would ever love me.
My life hit an all time low while I was in hair school and I became involved with an abusive alcoholic.(RG) He was the stereotype of an abuser. When things were bad, they were really bad and when things were good, they were really good. The night that stands out most in my mind was when he should up at my place at 3 am (which was typical) I wasn't in the mood to deal with him and just wanted to sleep. He got really mad at me and picked me up and threw me into my wall. I told him he needed to leave. He started apologizing all over himself and I walked him to the door. I went back to my room and could hear that he was still in his car outside. He then began calling my phone repeatedly even though I wasn't answering. After quite awhile, I went outside and told him to leave. He then started screaming at me to get in the car. I was so afraid, I just got in the car. (I know, stupid) he then proceeded to drive 130 mph through town and on the highway out to his house in the country. When we were just a few minutes from his place, one of his friends called, he slowed down and was talking to him like nothing was wrong. When he got off the phone I was still crying and scared. He acted like he had no idea why. We got to his place and wanted to be affectionate and loving and couldn't understand why I didn't. The next morning he took me home and I recapped the night for him and he said he didn't remember any of it. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks after that. I broke things off with him and vowed to never see him again. He called and showed up to my apartment almost every night for 6 weeks. Looking back, I have no idea how I made it through that alive.
That "relationship" sent me into a tailspin of damaging behaviors. I had lost all respect for myself. A year later after things ended with RG I met EM. I wanted to be with him more than I had ever wanted to be with anyone before. He was 5 years older, and the kind of person I always saw myself with. But once again, he "didn't want a girlfriend". He played with my feelings for 4 months then said he didn't want to be with me anymore. 3 weeks later, he showed up at my apartment out of nowhere saying that he missed me and he had made a mistake. I told him in that time that I had decided I was moving to Lawrence in 2 months. After I moved, we continued to see each other and talk all the time for over a year. The Christmas a year and a half after I moved we were suppose to meet up. When I got to Manhattan he wasn't answering his phone, I waited at my friends for 2 1/2 hours before I finally went home. He called me the minute I got home and asked where I was. A few days later I was stalking him on Myspace (funny, I know) to find out that he had spent Christmas day with the girl he was apparently dating family.
Throw in a few more damaging flings. Then insert DT, said he really enjoyed being with me but could never marry a girl like me. He really wanted to be married and have babies. He also messaged me 2 weeks before his wedding to ask me if I would be his last fling before the ring. I never responded, obviously.
Few more damaging flings, Then I met AB. Or as my mom called him schmoozer, schmoozer. He was a groomsmen in my sister's wedding. So he couldn't have been that bad of a guy right? Wrong! He filled me full of bullshit for 6 weeks. He told me he really liked me but wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of how his last one ended. Apparently, his last one wasn't exactly over. I had been up at his place 2 weekends in a row and had left my swimsuit there because he had a hot tub. The last time I went up there I went to go change into my swim suit to discover another girls swim suit in his bathroom. His bathroom was in his room and no one else used it. I asked him about it and he tried to convince me that that was my swim suit. I was pissed. and drunk and crazy. The next morning I called my sister bawling. The next day his "ex" posted pics of them on Facebook at a concert and back at his place and in the hot tub in that infamous swim suit. (Insert full on emotional breakdown)
I met AL a few months after that. He was different than anyone I had ever met before. I clung onto him for dear life. FINALLY SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME! I saw the problems in our relationship but I turned a blind eye to them because I thought this was my one and only chance for love. My family loved him, he loved me and I loved him. I just kept telling myself to not push him away, and to not be myself because I would lose him and then what? I would be alone again? and I would have to date again? We can see how well that has went for me before. I gained weight that I had worked so hard to lose. I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore because I hated who I had become. Which fueled his jealousy. I was so filled with hate by the time that everything had officially ended between us, I didn't think I would ever date again.
After 8 months of being single, I think it is time. I am still so gun shy that someone is going to use me or hurt me. I have become extremely bitter and cynical and chose to only believe maybe half of what a guy says to me. I want to believe that there are still good guys out there and there will be someone who will want to be with me for the long haul. I want someone to prove me wrong. I want someone who can love me for just the way I am. I don't want to be fixed, or changed. Although, I would like for someone to break down these walls and make me a more loving person. Make me feel like I deserve love.
There it is, folks. The most honesty you will probably ever get out of me. It's not pretty but it's only a mistake if you don't learn from it. I am learning and I try to work on myself everyday. The right person will come along when the time is right and I am ready. Here's hoping that getting all of this out there helps me heal and move on.
(Side note: Listening to Natasha Bedingfield's song Recover while finishing this blog, not my best idea.)
Monday, January 23, 2012
Holidays, Vegas, LA and everything in between
I should start by saying that I hate the Holidays. Every year I dread them. I wish that I would come down with some major sickness that I would be forced to lay in bed from Dec. 24th-Jan. 1st. I guess that sounds a little dramatic but seriously, the holidays are not fun for me and never have been. I think it is so hard for me because it is virtually impossible for me to be myself around my family. I am so different from every single one of them, and instead of them embracing my differences, they feel the need to criticize them the entire time I am around them. It is extremely exhausting to be around people who "point out your flaws" on characteristics you have no desire to change. According to my family, my flaws would include: Being single, not having any children, being independent, being open minded, and having an opinion. If I wanted to change any of these things, I just would.
I was only home for Christmas for 2 days and that was about all I could handle. My brothers were especially harsh this year. It was my first Christmas in 3 years without a significant other and I guess they felt the need to keep reminding me of this. Also, the fact that there were 9 adults 5 children under the age of 5 and 4 dogs in one household is enough to drive anyone crazy. I left on Christmas day feeling very discouraged and not sure why exactly I go home.
I had been looking forward to my trip to Vegas and LA for close to 3 months before the trip. I was looking forward to being with my Pureology family again and spending some time with my dear friend, Andi. I can't really explain why, but my trip was less than I had hoped for. I think the reason Vegas wasn't as much fun as I wanted it to be was because I didn't feel well the entire time I was there. I had went Vegan a few weeks before and it was nearly impossible to be a Vegan in Vegas. So I tried to stick to mainly a vegetarian diet. I was absolutely miserable. I couldn't stay focused and had no energy because of this. I did learn some new techniques I can't wait to use and learned about a new color line that is coming out next month that I am so excited about. I was kind of discouraged to learn that the artists that I had worked under at the Denver show had decided to label me as a "drama queen and hard to work with". It was obvious when I saw those artists that there was some serious tension between them and I. I have a hard time apologizing for something, when I don't feel that I have done anything wrong. I know I need to make amends with these artists, but I have no idea where to begin.
My plans for going out to LA were to finalize my move to the LA area the end of May. Unfortunately, Natasha (the owner of the salon I would be working at and an Ambassador for Pureology) was informed of these negative opinions of me and I saw this as a huge set back. While I was there I took the time to sit down and talk to her about my move and where I see myself going within her salon and for Pureology. I won't say that my ideas were shut down but I don't feel like I had her full support. I am sure she just didn't want to give me false hope that it would be easy to move out there and become successful right away but it really made me think twice about if I was really ready to make that move. I absolutely loved the salon and could really see myself working in that environment. What I didn't love was the traffic, cost of living there, and how far away my friend that I would be living with, lives from the salon. I am going to post-pone my move until future notice. I really feel like there are steps I have to make with myself before I will be ready for that big of a step.
I am not giving up on my dream just yet, I just need to be more realistic on how I could set myself up for success.
I was only home for Christmas for 2 days and that was about all I could handle. My brothers were especially harsh this year. It was my first Christmas in 3 years without a significant other and I guess they felt the need to keep reminding me of this. Also, the fact that there were 9 adults 5 children under the age of 5 and 4 dogs in one household is enough to drive anyone crazy. I left on Christmas day feeling very discouraged and not sure why exactly I go home.
I had been looking forward to my trip to Vegas and LA for close to 3 months before the trip. I was looking forward to being with my Pureology family again and spending some time with my dear friend, Andi. I can't really explain why, but my trip was less than I had hoped for. I think the reason Vegas wasn't as much fun as I wanted it to be was because I didn't feel well the entire time I was there. I had went Vegan a few weeks before and it was nearly impossible to be a Vegan in Vegas. So I tried to stick to mainly a vegetarian diet. I was absolutely miserable. I couldn't stay focused and had no energy because of this. I did learn some new techniques I can't wait to use and learned about a new color line that is coming out next month that I am so excited about. I was kind of discouraged to learn that the artists that I had worked under at the Denver show had decided to label me as a "drama queen and hard to work with". It was obvious when I saw those artists that there was some serious tension between them and I. I have a hard time apologizing for something, when I don't feel that I have done anything wrong. I know I need to make amends with these artists, but I have no idea where to begin.
My plans for going out to LA were to finalize my move to the LA area the end of May. Unfortunately, Natasha (the owner of the salon I would be working at and an Ambassador for Pureology) was informed of these negative opinions of me and I saw this as a huge set back. While I was there I took the time to sit down and talk to her about my move and where I see myself going within her salon and for Pureology. I won't say that my ideas were shut down but I don't feel like I had her full support. I am sure she just didn't want to give me false hope that it would be easy to move out there and become successful right away but it really made me think twice about if I was really ready to make that move. I absolutely loved the salon and could really see myself working in that environment. What I didn't love was the traffic, cost of living there, and how far away my friend that I would be living with, lives from the salon. I am going to post-pone my move until future notice. I really feel like there are steps I have to make with myself before I will be ready for that big of a step.
I am not giving up on my dream just yet, I just need to be more realistic on how I could set myself up for success.
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