Sunday, March 15, 2015
Vulnerability
I honestly had no idea that this move would have been this hard on me. I had no idea it would be this hard for me to make friends. I had no idea it was possible for me to rather to stay home than be out. I had no idea that I would feel so meh about life. The salon is meh, most (not all) of the people I've met are meh, Sephora is significantly better but still meh. It really all boils down to my issues with vulnerability. I know that I am blocking my own joy and happiness by not being able to be vulnerable. In my head I think 'I want to make friends!' But the next immediate thought is, 'that means you'll have to let people in and be willing to accept the fact that they might hurt you or not want to be your friend.' So then my next thought is 'JUST KIDDING! I'll go home and be alone with my Twitter and facebook. That feels safer.' I've always said that this is something I want to work on and every time I get a little better at it, someone hurts me. I have lots of friends but not very many really close friends. I've had lots of relationships but not very many serious relationships. That is all my fault. The stupid little voice in the back of my head screaming "YOU'RE TOO MUCH, YOU'RE TOO LOUD, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU CAN'T BE LOVED, YOU'RE TOO NEEDY AND YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!" Is so fucking loud that I forget it's not TRUE. It's not even tucking true at all. Maybe it once was but it's definitely not now. Maybe I do crave too much attention but wouldn't I rather have it from people who want to be there and give it to me? I haven't been myself at all since I've been here and I really think that the key to making friends and hopefully finding a relationships is to be able to be myself. I keep waiting for people to want to be in my life but why aren't I asking them to be in mine? It's going to be a long and lonely life if I can't get over letting people in.
Monday, March 2, 2015
What's My Purpose?
This move has brought on a lot of thought about who I am, what made me who I am, who I want to be, who I want to share it with and what is my purpose?
When I think about who I am I think about the fact that the person I am right now is radically different than who I was even just 2 years ago. I think about how much of my life I wasted being angry and sad. I think about the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I think about being to scared to live. I think about the roadblocks I've put up for myself when it comes to getting into relationships. I think about the times where I no longer wanted to live. I think about the people I allowed to hurt me. There has been so much sadness in my past. I don't like that girl. I didn't like that life and I never want to feel that way again.
That brings me to my purpose. What if not only could I not ever feel this way again, but what if I could also help others not feel this way. The thing that has brought me through so many hard times is knowing that other people have been through it and we're better because of it. I love helping others see their true self. It is so hard for each of us to believe in ourselves. It is so hard to believe it will get better when things seem dark. It is so hard to reach out to someone and feel vulnerable in those feelings of sadness. What if I could help change that?
A lot of people look at me like I have a lot of confidence and courage. Some days I do. A lot of days I don't. A lot of things from my past have made me scared. If you don't know, I've been raped, emotionally/verbally/physically abused, stalked and robbed in my own home. Everyday I walk down the street here it triggers feelings of terror. Honestly, I don't know if this was the right decision for me to move here but I am trying. I am learning. I am getting better everyday.
I am learning I have to set boundaries. I am learning not everyone is going to like me and that is okay. I am learning that I have to speak my intentions daily. I am learning that some days I will feel bad but I don't have to everyday. I am learning to enjoy solitude. I am learning patience. I am learning to filter out my negative thoughts. I am learning that I will fulfill my purpose.
All of these things I'm learning is going to lead me to the kind of person I want to be. I want to be successful. I want to be a healer. I want to be a friend. I want to be fulfilled. I want to feel joy. I want to bring happiness. I want to fall in love. I want to be loving. I want to help others live their purpose. I want to be an example of someone who overcame her fears and lived an amazing life.
I have a sad past but that certainly doesn't have to be my future. I know there are better things in store for me. Who knows how long I'll be in Chicago. Maybe this is just a small step on my way. Who knows if my future even includes doing hair and make up anymore. But I do know, that I want to live a life that is filled with joy.
When I think about who I am I think about the fact that the person I am right now is radically different than who I was even just 2 years ago. I think about how much of my life I wasted being angry and sad. I think about the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I think about being to scared to live. I think about the roadblocks I've put up for myself when it comes to getting into relationships. I think about the times where I no longer wanted to live. I think about the people I allowed to hurt me. There has been so much sadness in my past. I don't like that girl. I didn't like that life and I never want to feel that way again.
That brings me to my purpose. What if not only could I not ever feel this way again, but what if I could also help others not feel this way. The thing that has brought me through so many hard times is knowing that other people have been through it and we're better because of it. I love helping others see their true self. It is so hard for each of us to believe in ourselves. It is so hard to believe it will get better when things seem dark. It is so hard to reach out to someone and feel vulnerable in those feelings of sadness. What if I could help change that?
A lot of people look at me like I have a lot of confidence and courage. Some days I do. A lot of days I don't. A lot of things from my past have made me scared. If you don't know, I've been raped, emotionally/verbally/physically abused, stalked and robbed in my own home. Everyday I walk down the street here it triggers feelings of terror. Honestly, I don't know if this was the right decision for me to move here but I am trying. I am learning. I am getting better everyday.
I am learning I have to set boundaries. I am learning not everyone is going to like me and that is okay. I am learning that I have to speak my intentions daily. I am learning that some days I will feel bad but I don't have to everyday. I am learning to enjoy solitude. I am learning patience. I am learning to filter out my negative thoughts. I am learning that I will fulfill my purpose.
All of these things I'm learning is going to lead me to the kind of person I want to be. I want to be successful. I want to be a healer. I want to be a friend. I want to be fulfilled. I want to feel joy. I want to bring happiness. I want to fall in love. I want to be loving. I want to help others live their purpose. I want to be an example of someone who overcame her fears and lived an amazing life.
I have a sad past but that certainly doesn't have to be my future. I know there are better things in store for me. Who knows how long I'll be in Chicago. Maybe this is just a small step on my way. Who knows if my future even includes doing hair and make up anymore. But I do know, that I want to live a life that is filled with joy.
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