A Beautiful and Intoxicating Summer

If I had to sum up my summer in just a few words it would be, friends, pool time, Florida, music, vodka and a whole lot of fun. It was more than I could have ever asked for and one I will compare my summers to from here on out.

The summer really started for me when I left for Boca Raton, FL for 5 days and 4 nights to attend my yearly Pureology training. (which we call Synergy) It is a time for all of the Artists from the US and a few other countries to get together to learn more about our company and develop our skills as an Artist.

The trip definitely had it's rocky points but overall, it was a success. I finally took my Redken Certified hair colorist test, and I feel as though it went really well. Best of all I got to spend time with my friends that I have made through Pureology and build new friendships. As my second year at Synergy, it wasn't nearly as warm and fuzzy as the first year was. I missed that. Not that I am an overly affectionate person, but I kinda need that, let's all get together, hug, sing, cry and be one big happy family, as stupid as that sounds. Every time I am at training, it makes me realize more and more that I am not where I am suppose to be. It makes it incredibly hard to go back home, where I don't feel challenged or inspired. It makes me want to pack my bags the minute I get home and start out on a new journey.

This summer, I also had the opportunity to be the make up artist for The Women of KU calendar. It took me back to FL for another 5 days and 4 nights. It was a very busy 5 days, filled with constant excitement. I had a lot of fun showing off my make up skills and I hope that it is something that I will be able to do more in the future.

It wouldn't be summer, without a little summer romance, right? I feel like my clients are constantly asking me if there is a guy in my life. I lie to most of them and say no. But the fact is, I am almost always talking to someone. (I didn't say sleeping with, I'm not a whore... Anymore) I have been on a lot of dates this summer. I had 2 delirious weeks with someone before he moved away. As much as I try to be open to dating, I am a pessimist at heart. I know from the very moment that I meet someone why it won't work out. I let that eat at me until I become completely uninterested in the person. I have this incredible ability of pushing men away and telling myself that I am going to die alone. Yet, I continue the cycle of giving someone my number, texting them, hanging out with them and getting to know them, when I know deep down it will never go any where. If I had to be completely honest, if any man expressed actual interest in me and not just my vagina.... First I would be shocked and second I would think something was seriously wrong with him. Is it possible to love who I am as a person and hate myself in a relationship? I do. In a relationship, I am cold, I don't express emotions, and I'm not myself. I say I want to be more open, but I don't. I say I want to be more loving and affectionate, but I can't. I guess my ideal relationship is not what most people would want. I really want nothing in my life to change. I just want to have sex with one person, who I know has feelings for me and I feel the same for him, without having to spend every waking fucking moment with them. I like my space. Since I have moved into my studio apartment, I have realized just how much I like my space. Some days I want to lay on the couch and read all day. Some days I want to blare hateful chick music and clean like a crackhead. And most days, I just want to be alone. I don't really want you in my bed because I want to sleep on my stomach damnit. I also don't want you to touch my stuff or see how bad my bed head is. Men ruin my routine, they make my head hurt and make me unhappy. But I continue to go back to see if I might change my mind. I won't.

The best decision I made this summer as far as relationships go, is to end one that was the epitome of on and off again year of dysfunction. It served me no purpose. He was colder than I could ever dream of being with only a few glimmers of hope. One of my friends actually called him a dildo because he was nothing more than something to stick in my vagina. "Dildos don't talk and can't express emotion. I don't know why you are trying to make it do something that it can't." I needed to hear that.

I think I just like getting to know people. I guess I am somewhat of a flirt and I like knowing that I have the ability to attract people. It's easy to do in Lawrence. It's small enough and it's filled with young,naive people. With that said...

Lawrence will always be my home in KS, but it just isn't enough for me. I love my friends here but I also know that they too, will move away. In fact, my friends have been incredible this summer. We have spent many afternoons just laying in the pool, drinking iced coffee. In my opinion, it doesn't get better than that. We have gone to concerts and we have made fools of ourselves at the bars. In try hard to embrace the idea that it is okay for me to act 22/23 even though I am 27. Through my friends, I feel like I have learned a lot about myself this summer. I have never felt more self-aware and happy as I am right now. What I know for sure is that, more than anything, I just want to have fun and laugh. I know that I need people in my life who appreciate my humor and the ridiculousness that comes along with it. I need people who also value me as a friend and know that I am still going to make mistakes. I need people who keep my passions in check and constantly pushing me towards my goals.