My Life Is Changing

My life has been an incredible journey but these last few weeks have been really eye opening. I moved to Chicago at the first of the year because I needed to get out of my rut and try something new. In the time I was at the salon I tried to remain hopeful that it would get better and I would start to love it more, but I just didn't. It was awful. The owners were rude and had no empathy for my new journey and my struggles. So I decided to quit. I didn't know what I was going to do after I quit but I knew it was killing my spirit to stay there. My good friend Carrie had recently started reading tarot cards again so the day before I knew I was going in to quit I asked her if she could do one for me and of course she gladly did. What I got from her reading is that my heart chakra is blocked and it's blocking me from love, happiness and success.

The next day I'm leaving Sephora to go quit the salon and I open my email to several of the same email but from different people asking me if I would like this new full time position with Redken and Pureology in Kansas. It's like the universe opened up and was singing to me. I replied immediately. Yes, I want the position and how soon can I start?! (Obviously I had to interview first) So then I went into the salon, spoke with the manager, told her I was interviewing for this position and that I would be moving back to Kansas. It made quitting there a lot less ugly than it could have been. Throughout the next week I have 2 interviews and I left on Thusday to go to STL to do hair and make up for a friend's figure competition. On Friday, the VP of education for Redken and Pureology calls me for an interview and tells me there's a training on Tuesday but she's not sure if I'll attend since it's Easter weekend and everyone is already out of the office. And I still need to have 2 more interviews.

Saturday I drove to my sister's to spend Easter with my family and I leave Sunday evening to go stay in KC with Dominic. (because I'm an idiot) It was like my personal mission to make him uncomfortable. I'm clingy, needy and super touchy. We have breakfast together the next morning and I leave feeling awful like I always do.

Right after I left I have another phone interview that went really well and 15 mins later I get another phone call offering me the job. So I call sephora to let them know I'll be leaving, 15 mins later I get another phone telling me I need to be in NYC the next day. So I text my manager at Sephora to let her know and they tell me they have to terminate me. I'm suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. That means the rest of the month in Chicago without a job, plus a trip to NYC that I won't be reimbursed for until the end of the month and the cost of moving my stuff back home. Meanwhile, I'm only 2 hrs into my 9 hr trip. I stopped in STL to book my flight and hotel and just tell myself it's going to be fine and I need to go.

The next day I find myself in NYC for only the second time of my life with a few of my Pureology peeps. All is well. That night I decide to get another Tarot card reading. She tells me I'm blocking true love, happiness and success from myself because I don't believe in my heart that I deserve it.(sound familiar?) she tells me I give really good energy but because of the people from my past being hateful and jealous I don't trust most people. She said that this year will be the first time for me to really feel sucess and that I'll have a very long and successful life. She said that soon The things I've tried in the past will finally start to make sense. Also, she called Dominic my soulmate (you can have lots of soulmates, right) and that I'll have 2 children a girl then a boy. Im blown away.

The next morning we go into training with 70 other hairstylists who are training to become Redken artist and I know immediately it's going to be an emotional one for me. The first day was a bit emotional when one of the girls is on stage and they are coaching her to believe that she deserves praise. It hits way too close to home for me. Not many people in my life have given me praise. In fact, I have more that criticize than praise. Day 2 wasn't as hard. Day 3 we gave our presentations. My coach for that session was Brayden who I've had the opportunity to work in the same model room several times over the years as a PureArtist. I finish my presentation and he asks me how I feel. I say good because I think I did pretty well. He looks at me and says "Good? Why not great?" I said because presenting is easy for me. I can deliver information really well. He said "OK, how was your delievery? Did you smile? We're you warm?" Instantly, I'm like fuck. Nope. No I wasnt. He said you can come off kinda intimidating because you can present. (He turns to this sign that says LEARN, EARN, LIVE BETTER) He said I know you are doing these two: learning and earning because I've worked next to you at shows and you're super freaking talented but I don't think you're living better yet. There are some fears or beliefs inside of you that think you don't deserve to be successful. You deserve it so much that both brands want you out there representing for us." I tell him, "I've been faking it for years. So much so that I'm a master at it now. To which he says, "You don't have to fake it anymore because it's really happening. You just need to love yourself enough to know that you deserve everything you have worked so hard for."

He's right too. So right. I need to start surrounding myself with people who want to lift me up as much as I want to lift them up. I need to let go of the things and people who have hurt me in the past. I need to stop worrying if other people think I have failed because I haven't. Just because I put on the "I'm strong, I can do this by myself" face doesn't mean I want to. And I don't want to. I want a tribe of people who love me and that I can open up with, let down my guard and really feel LOVE! Because I deserve it damnit!!