Things I Learned from Going To My Brother's Wedding

1) Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.
If you follow my blog or know me well at all you probably know that my brother Matt and I had not talked since before Christmas. In fact, he de-friended me on Facebook and has ignored my attempts to make communication. So when I found out he was getting married I figured he would maybe try to make amends with me. That did not happen. So initially I thought that I wouldn't go. Then my sister's husband found out he wasn't able to get off work and she asked me to ride with her and her kids. I agreed but then a few weeks before the wedding I was talking to my sister and she had talked to Matt and he had told her that he hadn't spoken to me because he felt betrayed by me, that he didn't know who I was and that I wasn't being my true self. I obviously was hurt by all of this and then decided again that I wasn't going to go. Then the next day one of my clients who is much older and wiser came in and I explained the situation to her and she told me that I needed to go whether I wanted to or not and that I would be the bigger person and he would still be the ass. So I went.
2) 11 hours there and 12 1/2 hours back in a car is way too long.
I mostly slept the entire way out there but on the way back my niece Lola rode in the car with me and the couple that I rode out there with. (Plans changed from my sister driving. Don't get me started) I was her care taker and source of entertainment for those 12 1/2 hours and I just wanted to sleep. I don't need to see the scenery or have conversations in the car. I just want to put in my headphones and check twitter, read, listen to music and sleep. Don't ever ask me to go on a long car trip. I'm not your girl.
3) I'm not ready for kids.
I don't think I ever want kids but people keep telling me I might change my mind someday. Well today is not that day and I don't think tomorrow will be either, or the next day. For the majority of the weekend we had my nephew Landon(7) my niece Lola (4 1/2) my nephew Kylen (4) and my niece Kinsley (2 1/2) in our 3 bedroom cabin that was 45 mins from town and we only had access to one car. Needless to say, it was noisy. It was too much for me. I love my nieces and nephews but I am so use to coming home to a quiet house and doing things on my time. I felt stressed almost the entire time. There was always one kid having some sort of meltdown at all times it seemed. Thank gawd I brought Xanax. I seriously have no idea how parents do it.
4) I don't want to become my mother.
I already knew this but after spending way too much time in close quarters with her, it's really apparent. I love my mom but she is the most critical person ever. She is constantly complaining and tearing someone/something down. But mostly my father. It's annoying. It's probably so annoying to me because I can see it in myself. I know I'm critical and I hate it. But seriously, I woke up every morning at 7 or so to my mom nagging at my dad about what he was wearing, about what he was doing or not doing and I seriously have no idea how he puts up with it.
5) I don't want to be single anymore.
I've been a weepy awful bish lately because the thought of approaching 30 rapidly and still being single without a relationships ever lasting more than 2 years and most only lasting 4-6 week is depressing. I don't know that I want to get married but I know I don't want to end up alone. I want a companion to live life with and I want to know that it will happen for me. Everything in my past points to IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME! I push people away and I know it's my fault. And that's if I actually let you in in the first place. I've always been a bit cynical and it's only getting worse with age. I want to be hopeful but I'm not. I never feel like a guy really wants to get to know me. I just always feel like they just want to sleep with me and that's it. I've been told a lot lately that that is the message I send out and that's my fault. I don't know how to be vulnerable enough to say "Hey, I like you and I'd like to get to know you more and include you in my life." Everything else in my life seems to be going in the direction it should be even though I'd like it to go much faster. I worry I'll never make room for someone because my career is so important and being someone in my industry is so important to me. I worry when that does happen will I be able to keep someone around? Right now, everything is just so overwhelming to me. Not to mention, I've been giving my thoughts, energy and time to someone who will never commit to me and it constantly makes me feel like an idiot. I know I won't find someone until I end that completely. Like forever. I clearly don't know how to do that. But if I keep it up I'm on the clear path to never finding mutual love.
6) I have the greatest friends and support system ever.
So many people checked on me while I was in Colorado to make sure I was doing okay and I am forever thankful for that.