Ghosted Again

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the term ghosted but if you're not, it means the person you have been talking to/seeing/dating decides one day for no apparent reason they are no longer going to communicate with you. If it hasn't happened to you, it's definitely happened to one of your friends. It happened to me again for like the 90 millionth time. Ok it hasn't happened that many times but it's starting to feel like it. Maybe it's just me but I would rather someone just say "Hey, turns out I don't like you." than to never hear from them again. It's such a weird and bizarre thing. And as much as I want to pretend that they died when I never hear from them again, thanks to social media I know it isn't true.

This will spin any person into a tailspin of reading every text from the past several days over and over again to see if there is a subtext in the texts, to try to remember every conversation of the last phone call and of course make up your own story of what happened. My go-to story is that no one likes me and that no one ever will. Not in a pity party way... But in a way that unfortunately, this is my story. I don't like this story and I don't want it to be my truth but how do I change that? 

I always feel like I'm pretty upfront with men. I always tell them that I'm kinda a lot. I have a big personality, I'm very independent, but I'm also kinda needy. I know these things and I don't think they are necessarily bad. I feel like I'm honest to a fault so of course I expect the same. Unfortunately, most people are too scared to say how they feel and would rather just run away. 

Even though I really liked this last guy a lot, I'm handling it better than I thought I would. I've already deleted our text thread and deleted him off all social media. These are important steps for me because I can literally stew and wonder about a situation forever. The reality is, I know whatever it was that made him do this wasn't really about me. It triggered something in him he wasn't ready for or someone else popped up into his life. And you know what? That's ok. I would rather know now that he can't commit than allowing him in and out of my life for years like I've done with someone in the past. 

So while it sucks and it hurts... I'm ok. I'm really ok. My life is heading in a good direction, I'm getting clearer on my goals and who I want in my life, and I've started seeing a therapist twice a month. It could be so much worse. It's a cut but not a deep one that I can't heal from. 

Isolation

I feel like I've lost some of my sparkle, shine or whatever you want to call it that makes me me. I feel it everyday. Like a part of me is missing or something isn't fulfilled. I feel like the months I was in Chicago took it out of me. I felt very isolated and like I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't have the ability in me to make new ones. I've always been a social person but that isn't always the same and having a lot of friends. I can talk to anyone. Literally anyone. But I have a very hard time establishing relationships with people. Past experiences have taught me that I have very few, if any that REALLY have my back. I have few people who have the ability to genuinely be happy for me. 

I've pulled away even more from people than I've ever been. I don't reach out. I don't make an effort. I don't know if the people of my past are a part of my future. My job makes it very hard to have relationships but it is the only thing that I feel like I am good at or get fulfillment from. When I'm teaching I get this high that isn't anywhere else in my life. I love being a huge part of helping others grow and be more successful at their career and passion. 

I don't know very many other people that are as career driven as I am. This makes it even harder to relate to people in my life. I'm not struggling financially. I don't hate my job or my life. I don't have kids or a boyfriend that a built in social circle comes with. I hate not having someone to relate with. I want to talk about goals and dreams. I want someone who will push me and I can push them. I want someone who believes in me wholeheartedly. 

I am just not open. I'm not open to new friends. I'm not open to dating. I'm not even open to past friends because I don't feel like they are really friends. I have a very critical outlook right now on who I want to let it. I've kept to myself on most of my recent travels and felt very left out. And I don't know how to communicate that I feel that way without sounding ridiculous. So I just keep to myself and work hard but the extrovert in me is dying to have a social life and friends. 

My Life Is Changing

My life has been an incredible journey but these last few weeks have been really eye opening. I moved to Chicago at the first of the year because I needed to get out of my rut and try something new. In the time I was at the salon I tried to remain hopeful that it would get better and I would start to love it more, but I just didn't. It was awful. The owners were rude and had no empathy for my new journey and my struggles. So I decided to quit. I didn't know what I was going to do after I quit but I knew it was killing my spirit to stay there. My good friend Carrie had recently started reading tarot cards again so the day before I knew I was going in to quit I asked her if she could do one for me and of course she gladly did. What I got from her reading is that my heart chakra is blocked and it's blocking me from love, happiness and success.

The next day I'm leaving Sephora to go quit the salon and I open my email to several of the same email but from different people asking me if I would like this new full time position with Redken and Pureology in Kansas. It's like the universe opened up and was singing to me. I replied immediately. Yes, I want the position and how soon can I start?! (Obviously I had to interview first) So then I went into the salon, spoke with the manager, told her I was interviewing for this position and that I would be moving back to Kansas. It made quitting there a lot less ugly than it could have been. Throughout the next week I have 2 interviews and I left on Thusday to go to STL to do hair and make up for a friend's figure competition. On Friday, the VP of education for Redken and Pureology calls me for an interview and tells me there's a training on Tuesday but she's not sure if I'll attend since it's Easter weekend and everyone is already out of the office. And I still need to have 2 more interviews.

Saturday I drove to my sister's to spend Easter with my family and I leave Sunday evening to go stay in KC with Dominic. (because I'm an idiot) It was like my personal mission to make him uncomfortable. I'm clingy, needy and super touchy. We have breakfast together the next morning and I leave feeling awful like I always do.

Right after I left I have another phone interview that went really well and 15 mins later I get another phone call offering me the job. So I call sephora to let them know I'll be leaving, 15 mins later I get another phone telling me I need to be in NYC the next day. So I text my manager at Sephora to let her know and they tell me they have to terminate me. I'm suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. That means the rest of the month in Chicago without a job, plus a trip to NYC that I won't be reimbursed for until the end of the month and the cost of moving my stuff back home. Meanwhile, I'm only 2 hrs into my 9 hr trip. I stopped in STL to book my flight and hotel and just tell myself it's going to be fine and I need to go.

The next day I find myself in NYC for only the second time of my life with a few of my Pureology peeps. All is well. That night I decide to get another Tarot card reading. She tells me I'm blocking true love, happiness and success from myself because I don't believe in my heart that I deserve it.(sound familiar?) she tells me I give really good energy but because of the people from my past being hateful and jealous I don't trust most people. She said that this year will be the first time for me to really feel sucess and that I'll have a very long and successful life. She said that soon The things I've tried in the past will finally start to make sense. Also, she called Dominic my soulmate (you can have lots of soulmates, right) and that I'll have 2 children a girl then a boy. Im blown away.

The next morning we go into training with 70 other hairstylists who are training to become Redken artist and I know immediately it's going to be an emotional one for me. The first day was a bit emotional when one of the girls is on stage and they are coaching her to believe that she deserves praise. It hits way too close to home for me. Not many people in my life have given me praise. In fact, I have more that criticize than praise. Day 2 wasn't as hard. Day 3 we gave our presentations. My coach for that session was Brayden who I've had the opportunity to work in the same model room several times over the years as a PureArtist. I finish my presentation and he asks me how I feel. I say good because I think I did pretty well. He looks at me and says "Good? Why not great?" I said because presenting is easy for me. I can deliver information really well. He said "OK, how was your delievery? Did you smile? We're you warm?" Instantly, I'm like fuck. Nope. No I wasnt. He said you can come off kinda intimidating because you can present. (He turns to this sign that says LEARN, EARN, LIVE BETTER) He said I know you are doing these two: learning and earning because I've worked next to you at shows and you're super freaking talented but I don't think you're living better yet. There are some fears or beliefs inside of you that think you don't deserve to be successful. You deserve it so much that both brands want you out there representing for us." I tell him, "I've been faking it for years. So much so that I'm a master at it now. To which he says, "You don't have to fake it anymore because it's really happening. You just need to love yourself enough to know that you deserve everything you have worked so hard for."

He's right too. So right. I need to start surrounding myself with people who want to lift me up as much as I want to lift them up. I need to let go of the things and people who have hurt me in the past. I need to stop worrying if other people think I have failed because I haven't. Just because I put on the "I'm strong, I can do this by myself" face doesn't mean I want to. And I don't want to. I want a tribe of people who love me and that I can open up with, let down my guard and really feel LOVE! Because I deserve it damnit!!

Vulnerability

I honestly had no idea that this move would have been this hard on me. I had no idea it would be this hard for me to make friends. I had no idea it was possible for me to rather to stay home than be out. I had no idea that I would feel so meh about life. The salon is meh, most (not all) of the people I've met are meh, Sephora is significantly better but still meh. It really all boils down to my issues with vulnerability. I know that I am blocking my own joy and happiness by not being able to be vulnerable. In my head I think 'I want to make friends!' But the next immediate thought is, 'that means you'll have to let people in and be willing to accept the fact that they might hurt you or not want to be your friend.' So then my next thought is 'JUST KIDDING! I'll go home and be alone with my Twitter and facebook. That feels safer.' I've always said that this is something I want to work on and every time I get a little better at it, someone hurts me. I have lots of friends but not very many really close friends. I've had lots of relationships but not very many serious relationships. That is all my fault. The stupid little voice in the back of my head screaming "YOU'RE TOO MUCH, YOU'RE TOO LOUD, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU CAN'T BE LOVED, YOU'RE TOO NEEDY AND YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!" Is so fucking loud that I forget it's not TRUE. It's not even tucking true at all. Maybe it once was but it's definitely not now. Maybe I do crave too much attention but wouldn't I rather have it from people who want to be there and give it to me? I haven't been myself at all since I've been here and I really think that the key to making friends and hopefully finding a relationships is to be able to be myself. I keep waiting for people to want to be in my life but why aren't I asking them to be in mine? It's going to be a long and lonely life if I can't get over letting people in.

What's My Purpose?

This move has brought on a lot of thought about who I am, what made me who I am, who I want to be, who I want to share it with and what is my purpose?

When I think about who I am I think about the fact that the person I am right now is radically different than who I was even just 2 years ago. I think about how much of my life I wasted being angry and sad. I think about the overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. I think about being to scared to live. I think about the roadblocks I've put up for myself when it comes to getting into relationships. I think about the times where I no longer wanted to live. I think about the people I allowed to hurt me. There has been so much sadness in my past. I don't like that girl. I didn't like that life and I never want to feel that way again.

That brings me to my purpose. What if not only could I not ever feel this way again, but what if I could also help others not feel this way. The thing that has brought me through so many hard times is knowing that other people have been through it and we're better because of it. I love helping others see their true self. It is so hard for each of us to believe in ourselves. It is so hard to believe it will get better when things seem dark. It is so hard to reach out to someone and feel vulnerable in those feelings of sadness. What if I could help change that?

A lot of people look at me like I have a lot of confidence and courage. Some days I do. A lot of days I don't. A lot of things from my past have made me scared. If you don't know, I've been raped, emotionally/verbally/physically abused, stalked and robbed in my own home. Everyday I walk down the street here it triggers feelings of terror. Honestly, I don't know if this was the right decision for me to move here but I am trying. I am learning. I am getting better everyday.

I am learning I have to set boundaries. I am learning not everyone is going to like me and that is okay. I am learning that I have to speak my intentions daily. I am learning that some days I will feel bad but I don't have to everyday. I am learning to enjoy solitude. I am learning patience. I am learning to filter out my negative thoughts. I am learning that I will fulfill my purpose.

All of these things I'm learning is going to lead me to the kind of person I want to be. I want to be successful. I want to be a healer. I want to be a friend. I want to be fulfilled. I want to feel joy. I want to bring happiness. I want to fall in love. I want to be loving. I want to help others live their purpose. I want to be an example of someone who overcame her fears and lived an amazing life.

I have a sad past but that certainly doesn't have to be my future. I know there are better things in store for me. Who knows how long I'll be in Chicago. Maybe this is just a small step on my way. Who knows if my future even includes doing hair and make up anymore. But I do know, that I want to live a life that is filled with joy.

It's A Pain

I'd hate to jump the gun, but I really don't think I will be staying in Chicago for very much longer. Everything just feels like a pain and not worth it to me right now. Getting a job at a salon WAS A PAIN, finding parking if I get to my apartment past 7 O'clock(which will happen most nights now) is a pain, driving when there is snow on the ground is a pain, soon to be working 7 days a week seems like it's going to be a pain, not having any friends is a pain, not seeing my nephews and nieces for their birthdays is heart breaking, having a roommate who I never see is a pain, public transportation isn't so much a pain as it scares the bejesus out of me to ride alone at night, and walking alone at night is terrifying to me. I'm really not sure what I was thinking when I decided to move here. I know I wanted out of my comfort zone but this is way out. I hate the cold, I hate not having a social life, and I really hate feeling unsafe.

Maybe I'm going to love the salon after I start but that's not the feeling I get in my gut. I feel like they gave me such a run a round. And then for someone that didn't really seem like they wanted me that much, they are demanding a lot of my time now. I like Sephora. Actually a lot. I like my team members, I like learning more about skin care and make up and I like seeing other makeup artists work. I wish I could work there more full time and less at the salon.

I think I needed this experience to open my eyes to what I really want for my life. What has most been on my heart lately is my desire to go to training to become a life coach. (Not sure how this is going to happen working 7 days a week.) I want to heal people. I want to take what I've learned in my life and use to help others live a better life. I'd love to have a house where I could do hair, make up, life coaching and a Photgraphy studio.

I'm trying and I will continue to try. I start at the salon this Thursday and I hope to keep my outlook positive, if only to see it as a learning experience.

I believe In Me

It is amazing what can happen in life when you believe in yourself. Doors open up that you never knew were there, people come into your life that make huge, positive impacts, and life just gets better.

Why does life get better? Because you believe it will. So many of us are stuck in the pattern of thinking that we are stuck where ever we are at the moment forever. We are only stuck there because we believe we are stuck there. Nothing frustrates me more than seeing someone limiting themselves in life because they are telling themselves stupid excuses of why they can't change or why things won't get better. Trust me I get it. I really do.

Over the last couple of years I have had some amazing people come into my life and tell me that I am amazing. Unfortunately, negative words from my past were still so loud in my head I couldn't hear what they were trying to tell me. But I am not the old me anymore. I haven't been for awhile but occasionally she likes to come back to visit. The moment that it really hit me that I needed to believe in myself was when I had Wendy Belanger (Pureology's Artistic Director) in my car driving to an event in KC. We were talking about life and what I wanted from my career, she turned to me looked me directly in my face and said, "Beavs, you know you're bigger than Kansas, right?" (I nearly wrecked my car) Because in the back of my mind I had been wanting to leave Kansas for a very long time but I never believed I was talented enough to make it somewhere bigger. I knew I was talented for my area, but I really just thought I was a big fish in a little pond. Those words changed my life forever. That's when I decided I had to make a plan to leave Kansas.

That's been a little over ago now. Also in that time I have been working on not being hateful. So much of my life was filled with hatefulness, resentment, jealousy and anger. I just decided those were emotions I didn't want to deal with anymore. Am I going to feel them from time to time? Yes. Absolutely. Everyone does. But I wasn't going to let them consume me anymore. What I discovered is that this makes some people so angry that they will take their anger out on you just because you're happy. What I discovered from that is that I don't need those kind of people in my life. I don't need people who don't believe in me. And I don't need people that I can't inspire to be better everyday with me. At the end of the day, that is what I want. To inspire people to live better lives, to be a better person and to help others be better too.

I made the choice to move to Chicago because I truly felt it was the next step on my journey to being a better person/stylist/educator/artist. I knew the only way to really get away from some of the negative things in my life was to move hundreds of miles away. While I have been here I have felt more happy than sad or stressed. Something that is very new to me. Especially since I am still unemployed. (Although my interview went really well today) I have been able to take this time off from working and really refocus my life and my energy to positivity. I know the move seemed sudden to a lot of you but in my mind, it really wasn't. All the events in life lead me to this moment of stepping out and showing the world that I can do this.

I'm not a religious person but I certainly believe what you put out into the world comes back to us. Maybe you think I've been drinking the spiritual kook-aid. Maybe you think I'm crazy. All of that is fine. I would rather be this way than constantly drinking the haterade. It is honestly such a huge weight off my shoulders to not be friends with some of the people who were bringing me down in life anymore.

My life is going to be great because I am going to choose to make it great.

I Am An Emotional Cutter

There is someone is my life that has been there on and off for 3 1/2 years and if you know me well at all, you know who I am talking about. He doesn't need much introduction and my friends sigh at the mention of his name. To be fair, I don't think I have exactly given him the best reputation to them. I don't think either of is know what we want from each other but neither of us can seem to stay away. We both date or see other people but I always find myself back in his bed. 8 out of 10 times I enjoy my time with him, it's the following days that make me feel like an idiot. Like when he doesn't respond to my texts or respond the way I think he should. The occasional support is what keeps me coming back I think. In the weeks leading up to moving, I couldn't/ didn't want to stay away. He's what I've known. I knew there wouldn't be the comfort of always coming back to him once I moved. I didn't know what would happen after I left. Would we talk still? Would we see each other ever again? Would he regret not really ever giving me a chance?

Two weekends before I moved was the most interesting time we've ever had together and that is saying a lot. I was out in Lawrence for my salon's Christmas party and we had been texting and he asked me to come up and meet him and his friends in Westport. Wait... What?! He's never invited me out with his friends. (Turns out he was black out drunk) so I drove up to Westport and I call him when I get there, he tells me not to park because everyone is ready to go home. It's probably around 12:30. So he comes out with 4 friends and they all pile into my car. This is when I officially meet his two (girl) roommates. I had seen the one but never officially met. She sat in my back seat repeatedly telling him how pretty I was which basically made my life. (He has never said that I'm pretty) We get back to the house and he's being weird. Kinda flirty and kinda jealous. He asked to see my phone so he could see "if I've been sending twat pics." Hilarious. We go to bed and do what we do best, twice but the second time he thinks that I said "Cum inside of me" which I clearly didn't. Why would I say that?! So I'm pissed. I'm about to move and he's trying to get me pregnant. I'm shaking I'm so mad at him. I'm finally able to fall asleep about the time his roommate (she went back out) comes home with some friends in tow. Pretty soon, I can hear a guy peeing in his bathroom which I think is weird. The guy leaves the bathroom thru the hallway then comes into the bedroom. So I ask him "Can I help you?" He ignores me. He starts pacing around the bedroom. I'm trying to wake the drunk asshole next to me and he won't wake up. So I say to the guy "You need to leave this room. This is not your room." He says to me "Shut the fuck up, bitch." At this point I'm kinda scared. Drunky still won't wake up despite my repeated elbows to his ribs. At this point the guy starts going through a laundry basket at he end of the bed and puts on a jacket from the basket. Then comes over 6 inches from where my head is laying on the bed and stands there and stares at me. I'm terrified. I roll over to shake he shit out of sleeping beauty and as I roll over the guy has one knee up on the bed and getting ready to get on top of me. I scream at him "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" This finally wakes sleeping beauty. The guy looks me straight in the face and says "You're fucking ugly and I wouldn't fuck you anyway." WTF?! I lift my arm the punch him and suddenly SB pulls me by my waist to the other side of the bed as creeper leaves the room. He follows him out, wakes up his roommate and kicks the guy out of the house. I go into a full blown panic attack. When SB comes back he held me tighter than he ever has, played with my hair and tried his best to calm me down. The next morning I have to replay everything to him because he doesn't remember anything. He decides he wants to go eat and I only have clothes and 5 inch heels from the night before but I decide that since I'm moving, who fucking cares. So we go out to buy a plan B ( I picked walmart Pharmacy because despite my walk of shame to buy a plan B, my life is still going better than most if not all patrons of Walmart that day) then we go to lunch and he has the nerve to order my Dt coke for me. *side eyes for days* we went back to his house to nap and lay around. Typically, he would've kicked me out by this point. His roommate comes home from watching the chiefs game with some of their mutual friends and start commenting "Who's here? I love her heels!" She has the gold iPhone 6!" Because I left all my stuff upstairs. We come up and his roommate comments, "Oh it's still you." And I'm thinking really?! Does he typically bring a girl home at night then one the next afternoon?! So I tell them the story from the intruder and they are all shocked! At that point I say my goodbyes and he walks me out and gives me the longest hug tells "Chicago isn't that far away and we'll see each other." Wtf?! My head is spinning.

I saw him again the next weekend which is thankfully not as eventful. I begin to ask him about his NYE plans and basically force myself into being a part of his plans. I had no plans at all and I thought this would give me the closure I needed to move. So the day of he tells me his plans and half-ass invites me. I decide I'll go because I have no other plans and I'm an emotional cutter. As I'm getting ready, I have a full blown meltdown. WTF am I doing?! I don't know his friends. This is going to be awkward. How is he going to introduce me? Is he going to introduce me? THIS IS STUPID! So we get to the party and it's open bar once you pay to get in. The two of us (as well as everyone else) proceeds to get shit faced. I don't remember much but I do remember one of his friends telling me "He has lots of secret lives, you're just one of them." Ouch. I remember that we had sex in the bathroom and that I fell and busted my knee. Everything else is a blur. For him too. The next morning he got up and had brunch with his friends while I puked my brains out in his bathroom. When he came back I was pretty much dead in his bed. It sucks that the last moments I spent with him all I could think about was my splitting headache and to not puke. We said our goodbyes and I didn't cry, only because I felt like absolute shit.

Now that I'm gone, I realize how hard it is to know he's not there. I don't have him to fall back on. Spending NYE with him only made it harder on me. I've texted with him a little. I know that should probably stop because it's only hurting me more. Many people have said that the best thing about this move is finally ending things between us. My only hope is that I now understand that I deserve more than this and that I won't put myself in this situation again.