It is amazing what can happen in life when you believe in yourself. Doors open up that you never knew were there, people come into your life that make huge, positive impacts, and life just gets better.
Why does life get better? Because you believe it will. So many of us are stuck in the pattern of thinking that we are stuck where ever we are at the moment forever. We are only stuck there because we believe we are stuck there. Nothing frustrates me more than seeing someone limiting themselves in life because they are telling themselves stupid excuses of why they can't change or why things won't get better. Trust me I get it. I really do.
Over the last couple of years I have had some amazing people come into my life and tell me that I am amazing. Unfortunately, negative words from my past were still so loud in my head I couldn't hear what they were trying to tell me. But I am not the old me anymore. I haven't been for awhile but occasionally she likes to come back to visit. The moment that it really hit me that I needed to believe in myself was when I had Wendy Belanger (Pureology's Artistic Director) in my car driving to an event in KC. We were talking about life and what I wanted from my career, she turned to me looked me directly in my face and said, "Beavs, you know you're bigger than Kansas, right?" (I nearly wrecked my car) Because in the back of my mind I had been wanting to leave Kansas for a very long time but I never believed I was talented enough to make it somewhere bigger. I knew I was talented for my area, but I really just thought I was a big fish in a little pond. Those words changed my life forever. That's when I decided I had to make a plan to leave Kansas.
That's been a little over ago now. Also in that time I have been working on not being hateful. So much of my life was filled with hatefulness, resentment, jealousy and anger. I just decided those were emotions I didn't want to deal with anymore. Am I going to feel them from time to time? Yes. Absolutely. Everyone does. But I wasn't going to let them consume me anymore. What I discovered is that this makes some people so angry that they will take their anger out on you just because you're happy. What I discovered from that is that I don't need those kind of people in my life. I don't need people who don't believe in me. And I don't need people that I can't inspire to be better everyday with me. At the end of the day, that is what I want. To inspire people to live better lives, to be a better person and to help others be better too.
I made the choice to move to Chicago because I truly felt it was the next step on my journey to being a better person/stylist/educator/artist. I knew the only way to really get away from some of the negative things in my life was to move hundreds of miles away. While I have been here I have felt more happy than sad or stressed. Something that is very new to me. Especially since I am still unemployed. (Although my interview went really well today) I have been able to take this time off from working and really refocus my life and my energy to positivity. I know the move seemed sudden to a lot of you but in my mind, it really wasn't. All the events in life lead me to this moment of stepping out and showing the world that I can do this.
I'm not a religious person but I certainly believe what you put out into the world comes back to us. Maybe you think I've been drinking the spiritual kook-aid. Maybe you think I'm crazy. All of that is fine. I would rather be this way than constantly drinking the haterade. It is honestly such a huge weight off my shoulders to not be friends with some of the people who were bringing me down in life anymore.
My life is going to be great because I am going to choose to make it great.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
I Am An Emotional Cutter
There is someone is my life that has been there on and off for 3 1/2 years and if you know me well at all, you know who I am talking about. He doesn't need much introduction and my friends sigh at the mention of his name. To be fair, I don't think I have exactly given him the best reputation to them. I don't think either of is know what we want from each other but neither of us can seem to stay away. We both date or see other people but I always find myself back in his bed. 8 out of 10 times I enjoy my time with him, it's the following days that make me feel like an idiot. Like when he doesn't respond to my texts or respond the way I think he should. The occasional support is what keeps me coming back I think. In the weeks leading up to moving, I couldn't/ didn't want to stay away. He's what I've known. I knew there wouldn't be the comfort of always coming back to him once I moved. I didn't know what would happen after I left. Would we talk still? Would we see each other ever again? Would he regret not really ever giving me a chance?
Two weekends before I moved was the most interesting time we've ever had together and that is saying a lot. I was out in Lawrence for my salon's Christmas party and we had been texting and he asked me to come up and meet him and his friends in Westport. Wait... What?! He's never invited me out with his friends. (Turns out he was black out drunk) so I drove up to Westport and I call him when I get there, he tells me not to park because everyone is ready to go home. It's probably around 12:30. So he comes out with 4 friends and they all pile into my car. This is when I officially meet his two (girl) roommates. I had seen the one but never officially met. She sat in my back seat repeatedly telling him how pretty I was which basically made my life. (He has never said that I'm pretty) We get back to the house and he's being weird. Kinda flirty and kinda jealous. He asked to see my phone so he could see "if I've been sending twat pics." Hilarious. We go to bed and do what we do best, twice but the second time he thinks that I said "Cum inside of me" which I clearly didn't. Why would I say that?! So I'm pissed. I'm about to move and he's trying to get me pregnant. I'm shaking I'm so mad at him. I'm finally able to fall asleep about the time his roommate (she went back out) comes home with some friends in tow. Pretty soon, I can hear a guy peeing in his bathroom which I think is weird. The guy leaves the bathroom thru the hallway then comes into the bedroom. So I ask him "Can I help you?" He ignores me. He starts pacing around the bedroom. I'm trying to wake the drunk asshole next to me and he won't wake up. So I say to the guy "You need to leave this room. This is not your room." He says to me "Shut the fuck up, bitch." At this point I'm kinda scared. Drunky still won't wake up despite my repeated elbows to his ribs. At this point the guy starts going through a laundry basket at he end of the bed and puts on a jacket from the basket. Then comes over 6 inches from where my head is laying on the bed and stands there and stares at me. I'm terrified. I roll over to shake he shit out of sleeping beauty and as I roll over the guy has one knee up on the bed and getting ready to get on top of me. I scream at him "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" This finally wakes sleeping beauty. The guy looks me straight in the face and says "You're fucking ugly and I wouldn't fuck you anyway." WTF?! I lift my arm the punch him and suddenly SB pulls me by my waist to the other side of the bed as creeper leaves the room. He follows him out, wakes up his roommate and kicks the guy out of the house. I go into a full blown panic attack. When SB comes back he held me tighter than he ever has, played with my hair and tried his best to calm me down. The next morning I have to replay everything to him because he doesn't remember anything. He decides he wants to go eat and I only have clothes and 5 inch heels from the night before but I decide that since I'm moving, who fucking cares. So we go out to buy a plan B ( I picked walmart Pharmacy because despite my walk of shame to buy a plan B, my life is still going better than most if not all patrons of Walmart that day) then we go to lunch and he has the nerve to order my Dt coke for me. *side eyes for days* we went back to his house to nap and lay around. Typically, he would've kicked me out by this point. His roommate comes home from watching the chiefs game with some of their mutual friends and start commenting "Who's here? I love her heels!" She has the gold iPhone 6!" Because I left all my stuff upstairs. We come up and his roommate comments, "Oh it's still you." And I'm thinking really?! Does he typically bring a girl home at night then one the next afternoon?! So I tell them the story from the intruder and they are all shocked! At that point I say my goodbyes and he walks me out and gives me the longest hug tells "Chicago isn't that far away and we'll see each other." Wtf?! My head is spinning.
I saw him again the next weekend which is thankfully not as eventful. I begin to ask him about his NYE plans and basically force myself into being a part of his plans. I had no plans at all and I thought this would give me the closure I needed to move. So the day of he tells me his plans and half-ass invites me. I decide I'll go because I have no other plans and I'm an emotional cutter. As I'm getting ready, I have a full blown meltdown. WTF am I doing?! I don't know his friends. This is going to be awkward. How is he going to introduce me? Is he going to introduce me? THIS IS STUPID! So we get to the party and it's open bar once you pay to get in. The two of us (as well as everyone else) proceeds to get shit faced. I don't remember much but I do remember one of his friends telling me "He has lots of secret lives, you're just one of them." Ouch. I remember that we had sex in the bathroom and that I fell and busted my knee. Everything else is a blur. For him too. The next morning he got up and had brunch with his friends while I puked my brains out in his bathroom. When he came back I was pretty much dead in his bed. It sucks that the last moments I spent with him all I could think about was my splitting headache and to not puke. We said our goodbyes and I didn't cry, only because I felt like absolute shit.
Now that I'm gone, I realize how hard it is to know he's not there. I don't have him to fall back on. Spending NYE with him only made it harder on me. I've texted with him a little. I know that should probably stop because it's only hurting me more. Many people have said that the best thing about this move is finally ending things between us. My only hope is that I now understand that I deserve more than this and that I won't put myself in this situation again.
Two weekends before I moved was the most interesting time we've ever had together and that is saying a lot. I was out in Lawrence for my salon's Christmas party and we had been texting and he asked me to come up and meet him and his friends in Westport. Wait... What?! He's never invited me out with his friends. (Turns out he was black out drunk) so I drove up to Westport and I call him when I get there, he tells me not to park because everyone is ready to go home. It's probably around 12:30. So he comes out with 4 friends and they all pile into my car. This is when I officially meet his two (girl) roommates. I had seen the one but never officially met. She sat in my back seat repeatedly telling him how pretty I was which basically made my life. (He has never said that I'm pretty) We get back to the house and he's being weird. Kinda flirty and kinda jealous. He asked to see my phone so he could see "if I've been sending twat pics." Hilarious. We go to bed and do what we do best, twice but the second time he thinks that I said "Cum inside of me" which I clearly didn't. Why would I say that?! So I'm pissed. I'm about to move and he's trying to get me pregnant. I'm shaking I'm so mad at him. I'm finally able to fall asleep about the time his roommate (she went back out) comes home with some friends in tow. Pretty soon, I can hear a guy peeing in his bathroom which I think is weird. The guy leaves the bathroom thru the hallway then comes into the bedroom. So I ask him "Can I help you?" He ignores me. He starts pacing around the bedroom. I'm trying to wake the drunk asshole next to me and he won't wake up. So I say to the guy "You need to leave this room. This is not your room." He says to me "Shut the fuck up, bitch." At this point I'm kinda scared. Drunky still won't wake up despite my repeated elbows to his ribs. At this point the guy starts going through a laundry basket at he end of the bed and puts on a jacket from the basket. Then comes over 6 inches from where my head is laying on the bed and stands there and stares at me. I'm terrified. I roll over to shake he shit out of sleeping beauty and as I roll over the guy has one knee up on the bed and getting ready to get on top of me. I scream at him "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" This finally wakes sleeping beauty. The guy looks me straight in the face and says "You're fucking ugly and I wouldn't fuck you anyway." WTF?! I lift my arm the punch him and suddenly SB pulls me by my waist to the other side of the bed as creeper leaves the room. He follows him out, wakes up his roommate and kicks the guy out of the house. I go into a full blown panic attack. When SB comes back he held me tighter than he ever has, played with my hair and tried his best to calm me down. The next morning I have to replay everything to him because he doesn't remember anything. He decides he wants to go eat and I only have clothes and 5 inch heels from the night before but I decide that since I'm moving, who fucking cares. So we go out to buy a plan B ( I picked walmart Pharmacy because despite my walk of shame to buy a plan B, my life is still going better than most if not all patrons of Walmart that day) then we go to lunch and he has the nerve to order my Dt coke for me. *side eyes for days* we went back to his house to nap and lay around. Typically, he would've kicked me out by this point. His roommate comes home from watching the chiefs game with some of their mutual friends and start commenting "Who's here? I love her heels!" She has the gold iPhone 6!" Because I left all my stuff upstairs. We come up and his roommate comments, "Oh it's still you." And I'm thinking really?! Does he typically bring a girl home at night then one the next afternoon?! So I tell them the story from the intruder and they are all shocked! At that point I say my goodbyes and he walks me out and gives me the longest hug tells "Chicago isn't that far away and we'll see each other." Wtf?! My head is spinning.
I saw him again the next weekend which is thankfully not as eventful. I begin to ask him about his NYE plans and basically force myself into being a part of his plans. I had no plans at all and I thought this would give me the closure I needed to move. So the day of he tells me his plans and half-ass invites me. I decide I'll go because I have no other plans and I'm an emotional cutter. As I'm getting ready, I have a full blown meltdown. WTF am I doing?! I don't know his friends. This is going to be awkward. How is he going to introduce me? Is he going to introduce me? THIS IS STUPID! So we get to the party and it's open bar once you pay to get in. The two of us (as well as everyone else) proceeds to get shit faced. I don't remember much but I do remember one of his friends telling me "He has lots of secret lives, you're just one of them." Ouch. I remember that we had sex in the bathroom and that I fell and busted my knee. Everything else is a blur. For him too. The next morning he got up and had brunch with his friends while I puked my brains out in his bathroom. When he came back I was pretty much dead in his bed. It sucks that the last moments I spent with him all I could think about was my splitting headache and to not puke. We said our goodbyes and I didn't cry, only because I felt like absolute shit.
Now that I'm gone, I realize how hard it is to know he's not there. I don't have him to fall back on. Spending NYE with him only made it harder on me. I've texted with him a little. I know that should probably stop because it's only hurting me more. Many people have said that the best thing about this move is finally ending things between us. My only hope is that I now understand that I deserve more than this and that I won't put myself in this situation again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
