The Truth

"Wrong ideas we’ve been taught to believe about ourselves need to be removed and replaced by Truth lest we never know what it means to feel whole. One of the most sacred of all human qualities is The Quality of Wholeness, it means undamaged, uninjured, unharmed, unbroken, unhurt, unwounded, unbruised & restored. Oh how I love that quality and all that it implies! The idea that regardless of how traumatic the ride’s been there is that part of us that was not harmed damaged wounded or bruised - our Wholeness"- Michael Cole

The truth is that this has been a very trying month for me. I am not sure what has been the most hurtful thing about it but there have been a lot of wake up calls. I know I am not perfect and I am not for some people but it's really hard losing people that are close to you. I know there are things about me that need to change but then there are things I am not willing to change or modify.

If I am constantly apologizing for who I am does that make me ashamed of who I am? What do I really have to be ashamed of? I am not the daughter my parents thought I would be, not the friend that some people around me want me to be, not the sibling I should probably be but I am who I am!

So in this month alone, My family originally planned Thanksgiving without me and to which my Mom said "Heather we can't plan Thanksgiving around you, because it's just you!" Really Mother???? I wasn't aware that I am alone, could you please remind me one more time? What a terrible and hurtful thing to say to your daughter. It made me feel like I don't matter because I don't have a significant other or children.

Next: On the day that I had been planning for 2 months for my Birthday Party, My best friend decides to tell me that I treat her like a doormat in the salon, in front of co-workers and clients.So I canceled my Birthday party and just went out with my friend Pasha instead. I still have no idea where the comment came from and why she decided that that was a good time to say it. And the reason why I don't know is because I am yet to talk to her. I sent her an apology and her retort was to list other times of when I had been a shitty friend. Mind you, I had no idea she was holding all this arsenal in her back pocket. I work with her in the salon so it has made things around there really awkward.

The night I went out for my birthday, I started talking to this guy and he seemed like a really great guy. So of course, when I meet someone I think is great, I stalk them on all forms of social media. What I discovered when I was looking through his pictures was that his sister is dating a guy that hit on me this summer and that still texts me from time to time. So instead of hiding it, I decided to tell him just in case, the other guy and I would ever be in the same room. This completely back fired on me and instead of him appreciating my honesty, he decided to call me a hoe who lacked self-respect. The strange thing is he continued to show up at my apartment 3 weekends in a row. This last weekend I told him to delete my number and that we aren't friends never will be.

Last weekend was our work Christmas party, I was originally suppose to go with my best friend but as you can tell from above, that didn't happen. So I decided to bring my friend Vodka. She was a very loving date for me but I guess not so much for others. I apparently offended one of my other co-workers that I was pretty close with for calling her dramatic and jokingly mocking how she gets when she is working at the salon and it is just the slightest bit stressful. Later that night, I received a text that said "I understand now why you lose friends all the time, because you just lost another." I had no idea what the hell she was talking about and why it offended her so much but she still hasn't talked to me.

On top of this, my former best friend planned an ugly Christmas party for this weekend. It was quite the talk of the salon this week. Except when I was around. Obviously, I wasn't invited and nor did I want to be. But the whole thing of it is that the 2 girls I work with that are so upset by things that I said to their faces have created an alliance and talk behind my back. In case you didn't know, I am 27 years old and extremely toooooo old for this.

Now the wonderful thing from this month after all my bitching! Andi Scarbrough. She is the most amazing individual I have ever met. I have counted on her more times than I care to mention this month to carry me through, to lift my head up and to keep me going. She delivered the best news ever this month when she told me that her boss in LA for sure wants to hire me at the salon. In January, I am flying into LA and Andi, myself and one other girl are road tripping to Vegas for a 3 day training, then road tripping back and staying with Andi for a few extra days. During these days, I'm going to be hanging out at the salon and getting a feel for everything and securing my position at the salon. Andi has given me my motto for the salon until I get out to LA. "Head Down, Make Money, Fuck these Bitches" This is exactly what I need to do! Focus on my clients and save all my money.

As I move forward, I want to forget my past mistakes and become the person and stylist I have always wanted to be. Flaws and all! Undamaged, Uninjured, Unharmed, Unbroken, unhurt, unwounded, unbruised and restored.