#YesAllWomen

Ever since Beyonce''s newest album came it has made me realize I may be a bigger feminist that I originally thought. That sounds ridiculous and maybe it is. I really shouldn't have to define myself as being a feminist as a woman. I shouldn't have to define myself as anything. I put myself into a box and others put me into a box. I've heard most of my life "A man is never going to put up with that attitude." So I said fine, I can do what I want and get what I want on my own. A few years ago I realized I wasn't just saying that to be a smart ass, it was becoming my truth. I could get whatever I wanted. I wanted to go out all night and not pay for a drink? Done. I wanted the hot guy in the bar to notice me? Done. I wanted any attention of any sort from a man? Done. I don't need you but while I have your attention... And that is where it all began.

The problem is I lure people in without knowing what my intentions are with them. I know exactly what I want as far as my career goes and I'm working very hard to get there but relationships just confuse the ever living fuck out of me. I don't know what I want from a man other than sex and companionship. I know I don't want kids or to get married. I know that I'm probably not going to have one great true love. I want to love and love hard. I want to believe it will last but I'm skeptical. I want to know I won't get hurt.

If I had a dollar for every time a guy has told me "You intrigue me." "You seem cold." "You're intimidating." I would probably have a published novel instead of a blog. I lure them in because the first initial phase of meeting people is fun. It's all on the surface and no big commitment is required. The second I get the hint that they may like me more than I like them, I run. It's this internal conflict of not wanting the person to use me but also not get too close either. I use to think I didn't want someone to get to close because they might figure out that there is something wrong with me. I don't feel that way anymore. I know we all have flaws and I have embraced them. It is more for their sake to not get close so I don't run. It has also made me allow certain people in my life that don't belong. If I never fully have them I can never fully let them go. So I continue to play their (my) silly little games until they move on or decide that's enough.

Sometimes I think I don't know if I could ever be in a relationship with someone forever because I get high off the feeling of someone new being interested in me. I feel pathetic to admit that. I don't need a man but I do want one or maybe many. I feel like there is such a double standard when it comes to how men and women approach relationships. I'm not like most women who attach immediately and hold on for dear life. I can't do that. Many people stay in relationships because they think there is nothing else out there for them. I don't stay because I fear I might be missing out. It's hard giving up getting what you want. I always feel like when I'm in a relationship I have to stifle that part of myself. I hate it.

This quote that was used on Beyonce''s new album sums up my feelings on the double standard. “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

I guess I should just continue to use my power while I can and because I know that not many other women have the courage to do so. Maybe I'll find a forever someone, maybe I won't. Maybe I'm just suppose to be learning something new from each one. I know that if being in a healthy, successful relationship were a priority for me I would make it happen. But clearly, it is not.