Non-Commital, Much?

As I have begun to try to date again, I have realized that I am terribly non-committal. I find this quality very annoying in a man but, for some reason, it is fine for me to be this way?!I must send out the non-committal vibe into the universe because those are the type of men I attract as well. As I look back to my past "relationship" it really is no wonder that I have a hard time committing.

(All names have been changed to initials for the sake of privacy)

My very first "relationship" when I was 15 consisted of hanging out with GM everyday after school and on weekends but at school, he claimed that we were nothing. He made fun of me to his friends and classmates. But when we were alone, he told me how much he liked me. He continued to jerk around my feelings for several months, in fact, through most of my Sophomore year of High School. At the end of my Sophomore year I had a falling out with that group of friends and that is what got me away from him.

The rest of High School I was pretty much single, with the exception of a few non-serious flings. But to say those flings didn't have some effect of me would be a lie. Most of these flings got what they wanted out of me, then never talked to me again. I think this is when I started believing that no one would ever love me.

My life hit an all time low while I was in hair school and I became involved with an abusive alcoholic.(RG) He was the stereotype of an abuser. When things were bad, they were really bad and when things were good, they were really good. The night that stands out most in my mind was when he should up at my place at 3 am (which was typical) I wasn't in the mood to deal with him and just wanted to sleep. He got really mad at me and picked me up and threw me into my wall. I told him he needed to leave. He started apologizing all over himself and I walked him to the door. I went back to my room and could hear that he was still in his car outside. He then began calling my phone repeatedly even though I wasn't answering. After quite awhile, I went outside and told him to leave. He then started screaming at me to get in the car. I was so afraid, I just got in the car. (I know, stupid) he then proceeded to drive 130 mph through town and on the highway out to his house in the country. When we were just a few minutes from his place, one of his friends called, he slowed down and was talking to him like nothing was wrong. When he got off the phone I was still crying and scared. He acted like he had no idea why. We got to his place and wanted to be affectionate and loving and couldn't understand why I didn't. The next morning he took me home and I recapped the night for him and he said he didn't remember any of it. I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks after that. I broke things off with him and vowed to never see him again. He called and showed up to my apartment almost every night for 6 weeks. Looking back, I have no idea how I made it through that alive.

That "relationship" sent me into a tailspin of damaging behaviors. I had lost all respect for myself. A year later after things ended with RG I met EM. I wanted to be with him more than I had ever wanted to be with anyone before. He was 5 years older, and the kind of person I always saw myself with. But once again, he "didn't want a girlfriend". He played with my feelings for 4 months then said he didn't want to be with me anymore. 3 weeks later, he showed up at my apartment out of nowhere saying that he missed me and he had made a mistake. I told him in that time that I had decided I was moving to Lawrence in 2 months. After I moved, we continued to see each other and talk all the time for over a year. The Christmas a year and a half after I moved we were suppose to meet up. When I got to Manhattan he wasn't answering his phone, I waited at my friends for 2 1/2 hours before I finally went home. He called me the minute I got home and asked where I was. A few days later I was stalking him on Myspace (funny, I know) to find out that he had spent Christmas day with the girl he was apparently dating family.

Throw in a few more damaging flings. Then insert DT, said he really enjoyed being with me but could never marry a girl like me. He really wanted to be married and have babies. He also messaged me 2 weeks before his wedding to ask me if I would be his last fling before the ring. I never responded, obviously.

Few more damaging flings, Then I met AB. Or as my mom called him schmoozer, schmoozer. He was a groomsmen in my sister's wedding. So he couldn't have been that bad of a guy right? Wrong! He filled me full of bullshit for 6 weeks. He told me he really liked me but wasn't ready to be in a relationship because of how his last one ended. Apparently, his last one wasn't exactly over. I had been up at his place 2 weekends in a row and had left my swimsuit there because he had a hot tub. The last time I went up there I went to go change into my swim suit to discover another girls swim suit in his bathroom. His bathroom was in his room and no one else used it. I asked him about it and he tried to convince me that that was my swim suit. I was pissed. and drunk and crazy. The next morning I called my sister bawling. The next day his "ex" posted pics of them on Facebook at a concert and back at his place and in the hot tub in that infamous swim suit. (Insert full on emotional breakdown)

I met AL a few months after that. He was different than anyone I had ever met before. I clung onto him for dear life. FINALLY SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY LIKES ME! I saw the problems in our relationship but I turned a blind eye to them because I thought this was my one and only chance for love. My family loved him, he loved me and I loved him. I just kept telling myself to not push him away, and to not be myself because I would lose him and then what? I would be alone again? and I would have to date again? We can see how well that has went for me before. I gained weight that I had worked so hard to lose. I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore because I hated who I had become. Which fueled his jealousy. I was so filled with hate by the time that everything had officially ended between us, I didn't think I would ever date again.

After 8 months of being single, I think it is time. I am still so gun shy that someone is going to use me or hurt me. I have become extremely bitter and cynical and chose to only believe maybe half of what a guy says to me. I want to believe that there are still good guys out there and there will be someone who will want to be with me for the long haul. I want someone to prove me wrong. I want someone who can love me for just the way I am. I don't want to be fixed, or changed. Although, I would like for someone to break down these walls and make me a more loving person. Make me feel like I deserve love.

There it is, folks. The most honesty you will probably ever get out of me. It's not pretty but it's only a mistake if you don't learn from it. I am learning and I try to work on myself everyday. The right person will come along when the time is right and I am ready. Here's hoping that getting all of this out there helps me heal and move on.

(Side note: Listening to Natasha Bedingfield's song Recover while finishing this blog, not my best idea.)