Angst

That one word pretty much sums up my life right now. Angst: an intense feeling of anxiety or inner turmoil. There are 3 main causes to this in my life: Turning 30, my career and my love life.

To start, turning 30. Ugh. Blerg. Blah. Sigh. Moan. Humph. People keep telling me 30 isn't that bad and that your 30's are the best years of your life. However, there are some people out there that thought High School years were the best years of their life and I thought it was fucking awful. My 20's have really been amazing. I've completely transformed and grown into the person I am and a person I happen to like a lot. I would not have been able to say that in my early 20's. There are just so many expectations when you are younger of where you think you'll be by the time you turn 30 and even though I can say I've done pretty well for myself, I'm not there yet. Wherever there is?!

Next, my career. I knew from the very beginning I wanted to become an educator. Ok, I did that. I've been getting busier doing that as well. I'm constantly trying to better myself but the thing is, I think I need to be surrounded by people who push me daily to be better. I want to work around and with some of the best in the industry. I want to travel constantly perfecting my craft, I want to build a massive clientele. I want to do photo shoot and editorial work. I just feel like I have reached my peak here in Kansas. The last two times I've worked with Wendy (Pureology's Artistic Director) she has said to me, "You know you're bigger than Kansas, right?" Some days I believe she is right and other times I think well I'm not that busy here so how could I make it in a big city. But the voice in the back of my head is telling me I need to go and start over. But not start over to run from anything but to start over to take the knowledge I have now and learn and grow from it. It's so hard to step out of bad habits with clients you've been seeing for 6-8 years. I never saw myself staying in Kansas This long. I've also never been in as good of position financially as I am now. So this would be the prime time to do it.

And finally, my love life. More BLAH! I don't think I try very hard to actually date. I meet people all the time. I usually lose interest first. Most of the time because I find one quality I can't stand and it drives me crazy. I've met some good guys over the years but not my "good guy". I know what I'm looking for but I don't know if he exists at the same time. I know that I bring a lot to the table and I'm not willing to settle. I don't have any real baggage other than I'm kinda hung up on a guy I've been hung up on for 3 years. I always go back to him because it's comfortable and safe territory(kinda). I don't set my expectations too high for him because he has always hurt me. He's made me feel crazier than anyone ever has before. He makes me question my judgement daily and makes my friends want to punch me in the face but I go back. I always go back. It's worse now because I'm planning on leaving to somewhere in January so I don't want to date or hook up with anyone else so I'll just keep seeing him. I don't feel like I'm using him because there is a part of me who really cares about him. In fact, more than I should and probably more than he cares about me. I do think he cares about me because this has been going on for 3 years but he never will in the capacity that I want him to and I think the only way it will actually end is if one of us actually find someone better or I move away.

I just really need to get over my fear of men. Especially if I want to move to a new city and start a new life.