This is something that I've been wanting to happen for 3+ years but every time I thought it might happen, it's like the universe was shouting at me "NOT NOW!" I've never had enough money saved or too much debt or strings attached to someone or something that made it hard for me to go. But it's finally time. All signs are pointing to yes. I really thought this whole time I would end up in California but that has always given me huge anxiety.
The day after thanksgiving I casually mentioned to my friend Shane, "Maybe I should move to Chicago and live with you." His immediate answer was "YES!" Then I immediately thought, "Oh shit, this could really happen." After several texts back and forth, it just felt right. I emailed Pureology and they were on board too. It's like all the stars aligned and said "Heather. This is your time. GO!!!!" I also knew it was time because my lease is up December 31st and I really wasn't even looking for a place to live in Lawrence. There have also been a few things that have happened with people I would have considered friends that I felt like a sign to close the door on those relationships. Also, a few of my favorite clients that have moved away recently and a few more to come. It's definitely been hard living in a college town watching people come and go forcing you to constantly rebuild your business. Combined that with a few articles I have come across about living your life and BAM! I'm moving.
Of course it is incredibly hard to leave friends and clients I have known for 8+ years but I want to rewrite my life and start new. I have no idea what the future holds for me and my career but I know it's only going up. It's time to let go of things and thoughts that have been holding me back and go out and create the life I have been wanting. I know I will be SUCESSFUL because I'm not going to accept anything less. I hope I can inspire others to live their dreams because of my courage to do so.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Fear Is A Mother Fucker
There is irrational fear and then there is really irrational fear. I experience both. Daily. Sometimes I am afraid of things that have happened to me in the past, will happen again. But most of the time I think about something that hasn't even happened nor do I have any reason to believe that they will happen.
I often think that all the time and dedication I've given to my career will never pay off. Which is completely stupid. 80% of hairstylist never even continue their education. Not only do I do that but I am an educator and I work with the best in the industry. Stupid, right?! I know I'm not where I want to be, but I'll get there. I think. I hope.
I'm also afraid of walking out of work or into my apartment alone at night. I blame this on having a stalker and being rob in the past, which are very legitimate reasons but I hate that I have live in fear of this. Stupid.
I hate that I'm also afraid of men for reasons listed above and many more. It's not like I think all men are bad. Only like 80%. Kidding. Kinda. As a moderately attractive woman, I seem to get a lot of attention. Most of it Un-welcomed. Like, stop being creeps dudes. Please?
I'm also seriously afraid of commitment but also afraid that I'll be alone forever. Also, stupid. I mean really?! Wtf is wrong with me. Anytime I start liking someone too much or thinking about them too much I start to find reasons to sabotage the relationship before it even has a chance to become one. I love to push people away. I act like an insane person as a test to see if you'll stick around. It is the most annoying thing about me. I think, there is no possible way this person actually likes me. I'm sure they just think I'll be a good time and that is it. Guys don't want to settle down with a girl like me. I can't be settled down.
Once that thought gets into my head, it is all a downward spiral from there. Suddenly I think I have no redeeming qualities when in reality, I have a lot. It is STUPID. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way?! People keep telling me I haven't met the right person yet. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY MEN I HAVE MET?! HUNDREDS. I'm 0-I don't even know. Maybe my words and actions aren't lining up. Maybe I'm sending the wrong message into the universe. I don't even know anymore but here is what I do know... FEAR IS A MOTHER FUCKER.
I often think that all the time and dedication I've given to my career will never pay off. Which is completely stupid. 80% of hairstylist never even continue their education. Not only do I do that but I am an educator and I work with the best in the industry. Stupid, right?! I know I'm not where I want to be, but I'll get there. I think. I hope.
I'm also afraid of walking out of work or into my apartment alone at night. I blame this on having a stalker and being rob in the past, which are very legitimate reasons but I hate that I have live in fear of this. Stupid.
I hate that I'm also afraid of men for reasons listed above and many more. It's not like I think all men are bad. Only like 80%. Kidding. Kinda. As a moderately attractive woman, I seem to get a lot of attention. Most of it Un-welcomed. Like, stop being creeps dudes. Please?
I'm also seriously afraid of commitment but also afraid that I'll be alone forever. Also, stupid. I mean really?! Wtf is wrong with me. Anytime I start liking someone too much or thinking about them too much I start to find reasons to sabotage the relationship before it even has a chance to become one. I love to push people away. I act like an insane person as a test to see if you'll stick around. It is the most annoying thing about me. I think, there is no possible way this person actually likes me. I'm sure they just think I'll be a good time and that is it. Guys don't want to settle down with a girl like me. I can't be settled down.
Once that thought gets into my head, it is all a downward spiral from there. Suddenly I think I have no redeeming qualities when in reality, I have a lot. It is STUPID. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way?! People keep telling me I haven't met the right person yet. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY MEN I HAVE MET?! HUNDREDS. I'm 0-I don't even know. Maybe my words and actions aren't lining up. Maybe I'm sending the wrong message into the universe. I don't even know anymore but here is what I do know... FEAR IS A MOTHER FUCKER.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Angst
That one word pretty much sums up my life right now. Angst: an intense feeling of anxiety or inner turmoil. There are 3 main causes to this in my life: Turning 30, my career and my love life.
To start, turning 30. Ugh. Blerg. Blah. Sigh. Moan. Humph. People keep telling me 30 isn't that bad and that your 30's are the best years of your life. However, there are some people out there that thought High School years were the best years of their life and I thought it was fucking awful. My 20's have really been amazing. I've completely transformed and grown into the person I am and a person I happen to like a lot. I would not have been able to say that in my early 20's. There are just so many expectations when you are younger of where you think you'll be by the time you turn 30 and even though I can say I've done pretty well for myself, I'm not there yet. Wherever there is?!
Next, my career. I knew from the very beginning I wanted to become an educator. Ok, I did that. I've been getting busier doing that as well. I'm constantly trying to better myself but the thing is, I think I need to be surrounded by people who push me daily to be better. I want to work around and with some of the best in the industry. I want to travel constantly perfecting my craft, I want to build a massive clientele. I want to do photo shoot and editorial work. I just feel like I have reached my peak here in Kansas. The last two times I've worked with Wendy (Pureology's Artistic Director) she has said to me, "You know you're bigger than Kansas, right?" Some days I believe she is right and other times I think well I'm not that busy here so how could I make it in a big city. But the voice in the back of my head is telling me I need to go and start over. But not start over to run from anything but to start over to take the knowledge I have now and learn and grow from it. It's so hard to step out of bad habits with clients you've been seeing for 6-8 years. I never saw myself staying in Kansas This long. I've also never been in as good of position financially as I am now. So this would be the prime time to do it.
And finally, my love life. More BLAH! I don't think I try very hard to actually date. I meet people all the time. I usually lose interest first. Most of the time because I find one quality I can't stand and it drives me crazy. I've met some good guys over the years but not my "good guy". I know what I'm looking for but I don't know if he exists at the same time. I know that I bring a lot to the table and I'm not willing to settle. I don't have any real baggage other than I'm kinda hung up on a guy I've been hung up on for 3 years. I always go back to him because it's comfortable and safe territory(kinda). I don't set my expectations too high for him because he has always hurt me. He's made me feel crazier than anyone ever has before. He makes me question my judgement daily and makes my friends want to punch me in the face but I go back. I always go back. It's worse now because I'm planning on leaving to somewhere in January so I don't want to date or hook up with anyone else so I'll just keep seeing him. I don't feel like I'm using him because there is a part of me who really cares about him. In fact, more than I should and probably more than he cares about me. I do think he cares about me because this has been going on for 3 years but he never will in the capacity that I want him to and I think the only way it will actually end is if one of us actually find someone better or I move away.
I just really need to get over my fear of men. Especially if I want to move to a new city and start a new life.
To start, turning 30. Ugh. Blerg. Blah. Sigh. Moan. Humph. People keep telling me 30 isn't that bad and that your 30's are the best years of your life. However, there are some people out there that thought High School years were the best years of their life and I thought it was fucking awful. My 20's have really been amazing. I've completely transformed and grown into the person I am and a person I happen to like a lot. I would not have been able to say that in my early 20's. There are just so many expectations when you are younger of where you think you'll be by the time you turn 30 and even though I can say I've done pretty well for myself, I'm not there yet. Wherever there is?!
Next, my career. I knew from the very beginning I wanted to become an educator. Ok, I did that. I've been getting busier doing that as well. I'm constantly trying to better myself but the thing is, I think I need to be surrounded by people who push me daily to be better. I want to work around and with some of the best in the industry. I want to travel constantly perfecting my craft, I want to build a massive clientele. I want to do photo shoot and editorial work. I just feel like I have reached my peak here in Kansas. The last two times I've worked with Wendy (Pureology's Artistic Director) she has said to me, "You know you're bigger than Kansas, right?" Some days I believe she is right and other times I think well I'm not that busy here so how could I make it in a big city. But the voice in the back of my head is telling me I need to go and start over. But not start over to run from anything but to start over to take the knowledge I have now and learn and grow from it. It's so hard to step out of bad habits with clients you've been seeing for 6-8 years. I never saw myself staying in Kansas This long. I've also never been in as good of position financially as I am now. So this would be the prime time to do it.
And finally, my love life. More BLAH! I don't think I try very hard to actually date. I meet people all the time. I usually lose interest first. Most of the time because I find one quality I can't stand and it drives me crazy. I've met some good guys over the years but not my "good guy". I know what I'm looking for but I don't know if he exists at the same time. I know that I bring a lot to the table and I'm not willing to settle. I don't have any real baggage other than I'm kinda hung up on a guy I've been hung up on for 3 years. I always go back to him because it's comfortable and safe territory(kinda). I don't set my expectations too high for him because he has always hurt me. He's made me feel crazier than anyone ever has before. He makes me question my judgement daily and makes my friends want to punch me in the face but I go back. I always go back. It's worse now because I'm planning on leaving to somewhere in January so I don't want to date or hook up with anyone else so I'll just keep seeing him. I don't feel like I'm using him because there is a part of me who really cares about him. In fact, more than I should and probably more than he cares about me. I do think he cares about me because this has been going on for 3 years but he never will in the capacity that I want him to and I think the only way it will actually end is if one of us actually find someone better or I move away.
I just really need to get over my fear of men. Especially if I want to move to a new city and start a new life.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
An Open Letter To My EX Sister-in-Law
First of all, let me just say I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or scared by how obsessed you are with keeping tabs on my life. I mean, I have you blocked from twitter so in order for you to see my tweets you have to log out of your account, search my name, and then read through the hundreds of tweets I tweet in a typical day. Who has time for that?! I know I have some men that do that, but that's because they are attracted to me. Are you attracted to me? In love with me? Are you a closeted lesbian? Boy, this is getting weird.
Anyway, my life is no concern to you. If you are so happy with your new husband and love your children so much, let that be your sole focus. I do not want your life or envy you. I would not want to be on marriage number 2 before 30, with 2 kids from a previous marriage, or married to a cop. Also, if you are so much of a Christian you should probably try to be more Christ like and not make judgements on my life. My words and actions have no effect on you at all. We don't live in the same town or even the same state. We don't associate with the same people anymore and I don't say anything about you when I am in presence of people who use to associate with you. If I wanted to, I could have done that when I was in Durango for my brother's wedding. You mean nothing to me. You are simply the mother of my niece and nephew. I care about their well-being and nothing of yours. I'm tired of others making me aware that you are talking about me. My twitter is my own and my place that I can vent, talk freely and over-share if I want to. Do you have to approve of what I say? No. Is it any of your business? No. Do you need to tell my brother when I talk about my family? No.
In conclusion, I really hope that you can focus on your life and your actions and be the best wife and mother you can be. I'm going to live my life, go out, date, get drunk, be ridiculous and chase my dreams. I'm sorry if that threatens you and makes you envious. But seriously, have a nice life.
Anyway, my life is no concern to you. If you are so happy with your new husband and love your children so much, let that be your sole focus. I do not want your life or envy you. I would not want to be on marriage number 2 before 30, with 2 kids from a previous marriage, or married to a cop. Also, if you are so much of a Christian you should probably try to be more Christ like and not make judgements on my life. My words and actions have no effect on you at all. We don't live in the same town or even the same state. We don't associate with the same people anymore and I don't say anything about you when I am in presence of people who use to associate with you. If I wanted to, I could have done that when I was in Durango for my brother's wedding. You mean nothing to me. You are simply the mother of my niece and nephew. I care about their well-being and nothing of yours. I'm tired of others making me aware that you are talking about me. My twitter is my own and my place that I can vent, talk freely and over-share if I want to. Do you have to approve of what I say? No. Is it any of your business? No. Do you need to tell my brother when I talk about my family? No.
In conclusion, I really hope that you can focus on your life and your actions and be the best wife and mother you can be. I'm going to live my life, go out, date, get drunk, be ridiculous and chase my dreams. I'm sorry if that threatens you and makes you envious. But seriously, have a nice life.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Why I'm Taking A Break From Twitter
I've known I've needed a break for awhile, but this last week drove the point home. It will probably be much like my break from men... Short lasting. Because let's be honest, I'm addicted to both. And both really distract me from my goals.
I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter. I love it because I have met some really amazing people. I'm very grateful that twitter brought Leslie, Macy and Carrie into my life. (Just to name a few) They have been there for me many times to offer advice and support and I am eternally grateful for that. I also love how many laughs and entertaining evenings it has provided at concert events. However, I was sitting in class this morning listening to our speaker talk about breeding grounds for negativity and how one minute you can be perfectly happy with your life and the next you get sucked into other's negativity and suddenly you hate your job/friends/significant other and just life in general. I've felt some of that creeping into my thoughts lately and it occurred to me that those thoughts are mainly put into my head through twitter. This last week there was a lot of unnecessary drama and it hurt a lot of people. That isn't anything I want to be a part of. I'm trying to make my life better and follow my goals and dreams and want to encourage others to go for theirs too.
One of the other things the speaker spoke about was discouragers in our lives. It brought tears to my eyes because I realized I have been listening to too many other voices than my own that have kept me from my dreams. I don't need that. I don't need input from people who are too scared to live their own lives affecting the way I live mine. I have big dreams and goals. I have plans to be a serious force in my career field. I have plans to leave Kansas and pursue these plans. I know I am capable. I know I am talented enough and I know that I need people on my team as a group of supporters.
Right now, Twitter is just a huge distraction for me. I spend more hours a day on Twitter than I need to. This has caused me to not be as mindful to my time and dedication to my career. The only way to achieve my goals is to refocus on where I want to go and make a plan. So until then, #ByeFelicia to Twitter. I will still be posting my work and happenings on IG and Facebook because I can limit my time on those easily. I also hope to blog my progress through here if you care to follow along. I'm also hoping to better my communication with people I care about during this time as well. Thank you for understanding.
I have a love/hate relationship with Twitter. I love it because I have met some really amazing people. I'm very grateful that twitter brought Leslie, Macy and Carrie into my life. (Just to name a few) They have been there for me many times to offer advice and support and I am eternally grateful for that. I also love how many laughs and entertaining evenings it has provided at concert events. However, I was sitting in class this morning listening to our speaker talk about breeding grounds for negativity and how one minute you can be perfectly happy with your life and the next you get sucked into other's negativity and suddenly you hate your job/friends/significant other and just life in general. I've felt some of that creeping into my thoughts lately and it occurred to me that those thoughts are mainly put into my head through twitter. This last week there was a lot of unnecessary drama and it hurt a lot of people. That isn't anything I want to be a part of. I'm trying to make my life better and follow my goals and dreams and want to encourage others to go for theirs too.
One of the other things the speaker spoke about was discouragers in our lives. It brought tears to my eyes because I realized I have been listening to too many other voices than my own that have kept me from my dreams. I don't need that. I don't need input from people who are too scared to live their own lives affecting the way I live mine. I have big dreams and goals. I have plans to be a serious force in my career field. I have plans to leave Kansas and pursue these plans. I know I am capable. I know I am talented enough and I know that I need people on my team as a group of supporters.
Right now, Twitter is just a huge distraction for me. I spend more hours a day on Twitter than I need to. This has caused me to not be as mindful to my time and dedication to my career. The only way to achieve my goals is to refocus on where I want to go and make a plan. So until then, #ByeFelicia to Twitter. I will still be posting my work and happenings on IG and Facebook because I can limit my time on those easily. I also hope to blog my progress through here if you care to follow along. I'm also hoping to better my communication with people I care about during this time as well. Thank you for understanding.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Dating
When it comes to dating, I know that I don't want to be cynical forever. I want to have hope. I want to believe there is someone out there for me. I want to believe when I make a connection with someone that they could be the one who changes my mind and makes me believe in love. I want to believe that not all men aren't looking just to bang me. I want to believe that when someone seems too good to be true, they really aren't. I want to believe that someone could see that I have a lot to offer.
Maybe everyone I meet is suppose to be teaching me a lesson. But I'm tired and I feel like I'm out of lessons to learn. Dating is exhausting. Trying to meet someone you really connect with is even worse. So when you do and your hopes are flying high, it hurts even more to be disappointed.
I feel like the main reason I don't date is that I can't handle the up and down of my feelings. I joke that I'm dead on the inside but in reality, I feel everything. I read into positives and and read into negatives. I see the messages that aren't there and I FEEEL THEM. I may not express to many people what I'm feeling, but I feel it. I internalize it. And it hurts.
I've never felt like I was ready to share my life with someone before, but now that I am, I'm sick of wasting my time. Don't fill me full of bull shit and lies. Because every time someone new does that to me, I build up a new wall. At this point, it's already really fucking hard to break them down. Don't make it worse.
I'm sick of feeling hurt, betrayed and lied to. At what point does that stop?
Maybe everyone I meet is suppose to be teaching me a lesson. But I'm tired and I feel like I'm out of lessons to learn. Dating is exhausting. Trying to meet someone you really connect with is even worse. So when you do and your hopes are flying high, it hurts even more to be disappointed.
I feel like the main reason I don't date is that I can't handle the up and down of my feelings. I joke that I'm dead on the inside but in reality, I feel everything. I read into positives and and read into negatives. I see the messages that aren't there and I FEEEL THEM. I may not express to many people what I'm feeling, but I feel it. I internalize it. And it hurts.
I've never felt like I was ready to share my life with someone before, but now that I am, I'm sick of wasting my time. Don't fill me full of bull shit and lies. Because every time someone new does that to me, I build up a new wall. At this point, it's already really fucking hard to break them down. Don't make it worse.
I'm sick of feeling hurt, betrayed and lied to. At what point does that stop?
Monday, July 28, 2014
Things I Learned from Going To My Brother's Wedding
1) Sometimes you have to be the bigger person.
If you follow my blog or know me well at all you probably know that my brother Matt and I had not talked since before Christmas. In fact, he de-friended me on Facebook and has ignored my attempts to make communication. So when I found out he was getting married I figured he would maybe try to make amends with me. That did not happen. So initially I thought that I wouldn't go. Then my sister's husband found out he wasn't able to get off work and she asked me to ride with her and her kids. I agreed but then a few weeks before the wedding I was talking to my sister and she had talked to Matt and he had told her that he hadn't spoken to me because he felt betrayed by me, that he didn't know who I was and that I wasn't being my true self. I obviously was hurt by all of this and then decided again that I wasn't going to go. Then the next day one of my clients who is much older and wiser came in and I explained the situation to her and she told me that I needed to go whether I wanted to or not and that I would be the bigger person and he would still be the ass. So I went.
2) 11 hours there and 12 1/2 hours back in a car is way too long.
I mostly slept the entire way out there but on the way back my niece Lola rode in the car with me and the couple that I rode out there with. (Plans changed from my sister driving. Don't get me started) I was her care taker and source of entertainment for those 12 1/2 hours and I just wanted to sleep. I don't need to see the scenery or have conversations in the car. I just want to put in my headphones and check twitter, read, listen to music and sleep. Don't ever ask me to go on a long car trip. I'm not your girl.
3) I'm not ready for kids.
I don't think I ever want kids but people keep telling me I might change my mind someday. Well today is not that day and I don't think tomorrow will be either, or the next day. For the majority of the weekend we had my nephew Landon(7) my niece Lola (4 1/2) my nephew Kylen (4) and my niece Kinsley (2 1/2) in our 3 bedroom cabin that was 45 mins from town and we only had access to one car. Needless to say, it was noisy. It was too much for me. I love my nieces and nephews but I am so use to coming home to a quiet house and doing things on my time. I felt stressed almost the entire time. There was always one kid having some sort of meltdown at all times it seemed. Thank gawd I brought Xanax. I seriously have no idea how parents do it.
4) I don't want to become my mother.
I already knew this but after spending way too much time in close quarters with her, it's really apparent. I love my mom but she is the most critical person ever. She is constantly complaining and tearing someone/something down. But mostly my father. It's annoying. It's probably so annoying to me because I can see it in myself. I know I'm critical and I hate it. But seriously, I woke up every morning at 7 or so to my mom nagging at my dad about what he was wearing, about what he was doing or not doing and I seriously have no idea how he puts up with it.
5) I don't want to be single anymore.
I've been a weepy awful bish lately because the thought of approaching 30 rapidly and still being single without a relationships ever lasting more than 2 years and most only lasting 4-6 week is depressing. I don't know that I want to get married but I know I don't want to end up alone. I want a companion to live life with and I want to know that it will happen for me. Everything in my past points to IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME! I push people away and I know it's my fault. And that's if I actually let you in in the first place. I've always been a bit cynical and it's only getting worse with age. I want to be hopeful but I'm not. I never feel like a guy really wants to get to know me. I just always feel like they just want to sleep with me and that's it. I've been told a lot lately that that is the message I send out and that's my fault. I don't know how to be vulnerable enough to say "Hey, I like you and I'd like to get to know you more and include you in my life." Everything else in my life seems to be going in the direction it should be even though I'd like it to go much faster. I worry I'll never make room for someone because my career is so important and being someone in my industry is so important to me. I worry when that does happen will I be able to keep someone around? Right now, everything is just so overwhelming to me. Not to mention, I've been giving my thoughts, energy and time to someone who will never commit to me and it constantly makes me feel like an idiot. I know I won't find someone until I end that completely. Like forever. I clearly don't know how to do that. But if I keep it up I'm on the clear path to never finding mutual love.
6) I have the greatest friends and support system ever.
So many people checked on me while I was in Colorado to make sure I was doing okay and I am forever thankful for that.
If you follow my blog or know me well at all you probably know that my brother Matt and I had not talked since before Christmas. In fact, he de-friended me on Facebook and has ignored my attempts to make communication. So when I found out he was getting married I figured he would maybe try to make amends with me. That did not happen. So initially I thought that I wouldn't go. Then my sister's husband found out he wasn't able to get off work and she asked me to ride with her and her kids. I agreed but then a few weeks before the wedding I was talking to my sister and she had talked to Matt and he had told her that he hadn't spoken to me because he felt betrayed by me, that he didn't know who I was and that I wasn't being my true self. I obviously was hurt by all of this and then decided again that I wasn't going to go. Then the next day one of my clients who is much older and wiser came in and I explained the situation to her and she told me that I needed to go whether I wanted to or not and that I would be the bigger person and he would still be the ass. So I went.
2) 11 hours there and 12 1/2 hours back in a car is way too long.
I mostly slept the entire way out there but on the way back my niece Lola rode in the car with me and the couple that I rode out there with. (Plans changed from my sister driving. Don't get me started) I was her care taker and source of entertainment for those 12 1/2 hours and I just wanted to sleep. I don't need to see the scenery or have conversations in the car. I just want to put in my headphones and check twitter, read, listen to music and sleep. Don't ever ask me to go on a long car trip. I'm not your girl.
3) I'm not ready for kids.
I don't think I ever want kids but people keep telling me I might change my mind someday. Well today is not that day and I don't think tomorrow will be either, or the next day. For the majority of the weekend we had my nephew Landon(7) my niece Lola (4 1/2) my nephew Kylen (4) and my niece Kinsley (2 1/2) in our 3 bedroom cabin that was 45 mins from town and we only had access to one car. Needless to say, it was noisy. It was too much for me. I love my nieces and nephews but I am so use to coming home to a quiet house and doing things on my time. I felt stressed almost the entire time. There was always one kid having some sort of meltdown at all times it seemed. Thank gawd I brought Xanax. I seriously have no idea how parents do it.
4) I don't want to become my mother.
I already knew this but after spending way too much time in close quarters with her, it's really apparent. I love my mom but she is the most critical person ever. She is constantly complaining and tearing someone/something down. But mostly my father. It's annoying. It's probably so annoying to me because I can see it in myself. I know I'm critical and I hate it. But seriously, I woke up every morning at 7 or so to my mom nagging at my dad about what he was wearing, about what he was doing or not doing and I seriously have no idea how he puts up with it.
5) I don't want to be single anymore.
I've been a weepy awful bish lately because the thought of approaching 30 rapidly and still being single without a relationships ever lasting more than 2 years and most only lasting 4-6 week is depressing. I don't know that I want to get married but I know I don't want to end up alone. I want a companion to live life with and I want to know that it will happen for me. Everything in my past points to IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR ME! I push people away and I know it's my fault. And that's if I actually let you in in the first place. I've always been a bit cynical and it's only getting worse with age. I want to be hopeful but I'm not. I never feel like a guy really wants to get to know me. I just always feel like they just want to sleep with me and that's it. I've been told a lot lately that that is the message I send out and that's my fault. I don't know how to be vulnerable enough to say "Hey, I like you and I'd like to get to know you more and include you in my life." Everything else in my life seems to be going in the direction it should be even though I'd like it to go much faster. I worry I'll never make room for someone because my career is so important and being someone in my industry is so important to me. I worry when that does happen will I be able to keep someone around? Right now, everything is just so overwhelming to me. Not to mention, I've been giving my thoughts, energy and time to someone who will never commit to me and it constantly makes me feel like an idiot. I know I won't find someone until I end that completely. Like forever. I clearly don't know how to do that. But if I keep it up I'm on the clear path to never finding mutual love.
6) I have the greatest friends and support system ever.
So many people checked on me while I was in Colorado to make sure I was doing okay and I am forever thankful for that.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
With All My Faults
I went to go see The Fault In Our Stars this last week with my good friend Ashley. I didn't know much about the movie other than it was sad and I would probably bawl my eyes out. (Which I did) Within a few mintutes into the movie I knew I was going to love it. The philosophy behind the story was incredible, even though it was incredibly sad.
It really got me thinking and I couldn't stop thinking about it through the entire movie how Hazel Grace tells Augusta not to love her because she was like dynamite and it didn't make sense to love her. And while I don't have anything as serious as cancer, I find myself telling others why they shouldn't love me. Or better yet, why they won't. Instead of letting a person get to know me, I love to fill them in on all my faults right up front. Such as: I'm a commitment phobe, I never want to get married or have children, I'm selfish, I'm self-absorbed, my career will always come first and so on.
Why can't I just let someone in? Why can't I let them decide for themselves. Obviously, there was a reason they were drawn to me in the first place. Which brings me to another line in the movie that got to me is when Augusta talks about how Hazel Grace may not have been loved widely but she was loved deeply. Lately, I have been so concerned that everyone won't love me. I don't know where it came from. I spent the majority of my life not caring and now all the sudden I care. And I care too much. I just want everyone I meet to love me. But more importantly, I want someone to love me deeply. I really do. Just the way I am. With all my faults, with all my sarcasm, with all my loudness, with all my inappropriateness, and be able to hold on for the ride.
It really got me thinking and I couldn't stop thinking about it through the entire movie how Hazel Grace tells Augusta not to love her because she was like dynamite and it didn't make sense to love her. And while I don't have anything as serious as cancer, I find myself telling others why they shouldn't love me. Or better yet, why they won't. Instead of letting a person get to know me, I love to fill them in on all my faults right up front. Such as: I'm a commitment phobe, I never want to get married or have children, I'm selfish, I'm self-absorbed, my career will always come first and so on.
Why can't I just let someone in? Why can't I let them decide for themselves. Obviously, there was a reason they were drawn to me in the first place. Which brings me to another line in the movie that got to me is when Augusta talks about how Hazel Grace may not have been loved widely but she was loved deeply. Lately, I have been so concerned that everyone won't love me. I don't know where it came from. I spent the majority of my life not caring and now all the sudden I care. And I care too much. I just want everyone I meet to love me. But more importantly, I want someone to love me deeply. I really do. Just the way I am. With all my faults, with all my sarcasm, with all my loudness, with all my inappropriateness, and be able to hold on for the ride.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
#YesAllWomen
Ever since Beyonce''s newest album came it has made me realize I may be a bigger feminist that I originally thought. That sounds ridiculous and maybe it is. I really shouldn't have to define myself as being a feminist as a woman. I shouldn't have to define myself as anything. I put myself into a box and others put me into a box. I've heard most of my life "A man is never going to put up with that attitude." So I said fine, I can do what I want and get what I want on my own. A few years ago I realized I wasn't just saying that to be a smart ass, it was becoming my truth. I could get whatever I wanted. I wanted to go out all night and not pay for a drink? Done. I wanted the hot guy in the bar to notice me? Done. I wanted any attention of any sort from a man? Done. I don't need you but while I have your attention... And that is where it all began.
The problem is I lure people in without knowing what my intentions are with them. I know exactly what I want as far as my career goes and I'm working very hard to get there but relationships just confuse the ever living fuck out of me. I don't know what I want from a man other than sex and companionship. I know I don't want kids or to get married. I know that I'm probably not going to have one great true love. I want to love and love hard. I want to believe it will last but I'm skeptical. I want to know I won't get hurt.
If I had a dollar for every time a guy has told me "You intrigue me." "You seem cold." "You're intimidating." I would probably have a published novel instead of a blog. I lure them in because the first initial phase of meeting people is fun. It's all on the surface and no big commitment is required. The second I get the hint that they may like me more than I like them, I run. It's this internal conflict of not wanting the person to use me but also not get too close either. I use to think I didn't want someone to get to close because they might figure out that there is something wrong with me. I don't feel that way anymore. I know we all have flaws and I have embraced them. It is more for their sake to not get close so I don't run. It has also made me allow certain people in my life that don't belong. If I never fully have them I can never fully let them go. So I continue to play their (my) silly little games until they move on or decide that's enough.
Sometimes I think I don't know if I could ever be in a relationship with someone forever because I get high off the feeling of someone new being interested in me. I feel pathetic to admit that. I don't need a man but I do want one or maybe many. I feel like there is such a double standard when it comes to how men and women approach relationships. I'm not like most women who attach immediately and hold on for dear life. I can't do that. Many people stay in relationships because they think there is nothing else out there for them. I don't stay because I fear I might be missing out. It's hard giving up getting what you want. I always feel like when I'm in a relationship I have to stifle that part of myself. I hate it.
This quote that was used on Beyonce''s new album sums up my feelings on the double standard. “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I guess I should just continue to use my power while I can and because I know that not many other women have the courage to do so. Maybe I'll find a forever someone, maybe I won't. Maybe I'm just suppose to be learning something new from each one. I know that if being in a healthy, successful relationship were a priority for me I would make it happen. But clearly, it is not.
The problem is I lure people in without knowing what my intentions are with them. I know exactly what I want as far as my career goes and I'm working very hard to get there but relationships just confuse the ever living fuck out of me. I don't know what I want from a man other than sex and companionship. I know I don't want kids or to get married. I know that I'm probably not going to have one great true love. I want to love and love hard. I want to believe it will last but I'm skeptical. I want to know I won't get hurt.
If I had a dollar for every time a guy has told me "You intrigue me." "You seem cold." "You're intimidating." I would probably have a published novel instead of a blog. I lure them in because the first initial phase of meeting people is fun. It's all on the surface and no big commitment is required. The second I get the hint that they may like me more than I like them, I run. It's this internal conflict of not wanting the person to use me but also not get too close either. I use to think I didn't want someone to get to close because they might figure out that there is something wrong with me. I don't feel that way anymore. I know we all have flaws and I have embraced them. It is more for their sake to not get close so I don't run. It has also made me allow certain people in my life that don't belong. If I never fully have them I can never fully let them go. So I continue to play their (my) silly little games until they move on or decide that's enough.
Sometimes I think I don't know if I could ever be in a relationship with someone forever because I get high off the feeling of someone new being interested in me. I feel pathetic to admit that. I don't need a man but I do want one or maybe many. I feel like there is such a double standard when it comes to how men and women approach relationships. I'm not like most women who attach immediately and hold on for dear life. I can't do that. Many people stay in relationships because they think there is nothing else out there for them. I don't stay because I fear I might be missing out. It's hard giving up getting what you want. I always feel like when I'm in a relationship I have to stifle that part of myself. I hate it.
This quote that was used on Beyonce''s new album sums up my feelings on the double standard. “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man. Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support but why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”
― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I guess I should just continue to use my power while I can and because I know that not many other women have the courage to do so. Maybe I'll find a forever someone, maybe I won't. Maybe I'm just suppose to be learning something new from each one. I know that if being in a healthy, successful relationship were a priority for me I would make it happen. But clearly, it is not.
Monday, April 28, 2014
What's Next For Me?!
Probably the best and worst thing about myself is that I am a planner. I always need a plan. A direction. A feeling like I'm accomplishing something in my life. I know what the long term goal is and that is to be a Platform Artist for Pureology and to have my work in major fashion and salon magazines. The constant question in my head is: Am I in the right spot to make this happen? Do I need to move? Move where? I feel like I am in a more successful place in my career than I've ever been but I have a long way to go. And if I move that means starting completely over. Starting over scares me. Obviously. I think it scares everyone. I'm so afraid of getting out there and failing that I keep setting myself back.
This year has been amazing as far as my career goes. I've started to work with a photographer, I've worked more hair shows, and I've worked on stage with the Artisitc Director of Pureology. I'm afraid if I move I won't have these same opportunities. But what if I'm missing better opportunities?!
I was really thinking about moving to Canada to work in the Artistic Director of Pureology's salon but after some coaching and soul searching I have decided that that is not the right move for me. I want to be in California so bad with my good friend Andi but everyone I know there is a hairstylist. I am afraid I wouldn't be able to build a clientele only knowing other hairstylists. I also don't want to have to work 2-3 jobs to survive. I just don't. I've struggled much of the last 10 years and I just don't want to do it anymore.
I want to be in a place where I am so busy I need an assistant so I don't have to shampoo or blow dry anymore. I want to be able to charge what I am worth. And that is much more than I'm charging now. I want to be able to go to NYC a couple times a year to take education at The Redken Exchange. I want to be a better version of myself. I want to know my arm isn't going to fail me again. I want to know that all these things are possible.
I just renewed my lease from July 31st to December 31st because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I knew that wasn't enough time to make a decision. I wish I could just fly by the seat of my pants and let things happen but I am freaking out. Sometimes I wish I were fearless and didn't have that little voice in the back of my head saying "Don't be stupid! How are you going to pay your bills?!"
I'm hoping a sign will appear to me as to where I'm suppose to go. Maybe it's just to KC for a few years. Maybe it's somewhere I'm not even thinking of. Who knows. But if I seem stressed and distant that is what I am thinking about.
This year has been amazing as far as my career goes. I've started to work with a photographer, I've worked more hair shows, and I've worked on stage with the Artisitc Director of Pureology. I'm afraid if I move I won't have these same opportunities. But what if I'm missing better opportunities?!
I was really thinking about moving to Canada to work in the Artistic Director of Pureology's salon but after some coaching and soul searching I have decided that that is not the right move for me. I want to be in California so bad with my good friend Andi but everyone I know there is a hairstylist. I am afraid I wouldn't be able to build a clientele only knowing other hairstylists. I also don't want to have to work 2-3 jobs to survive. I just don't. I've struggled much of the last 10 years and I just don't want to do it anymore.
I want to be in a place where I am so busy I need an assistant so I don't have to shampoo or blow dry anymore. I want to be able to charge what I am worth. And that is much more than I'm charging now. I want to be able to go to NYC a couple times a year to take education at The Redken Exchange. I want to be a better version of myself. I want to know my arm isn't going to fail me again. I want to know that all these things are possible.
I just renewed my lease from July 31st to December 31st because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and I knew that wasn't enough time to make a decision. I wish I could just fly by the seat of my pants and let things happen but I am freaking out. Sometimes I wish I were fearless and didn't have that little voice in the back of my head saying "Don't be stupid! How are you going to pay your bills?!"
I'm hoping a sign will appear to me as to where I'm suppose to go. Maybe it's just to KC for a few years. Maybe it's somewhere I'm not even thinking of. Who knows. But if I seem stressed and distant that is what I am thinking about.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Knowing My Worth
I've heard it a million times that confidence is sexy. And even though most people who know me now would never think I've ever struggled with confidence, I have. It's taken me several years to grow into who I am and embrace the good and the bad. I think that is one of the greatest things about getting older. I will be 30 this year and that absolutely blows my mind. I have accomplished so much but yet still have so much I want to see, be and do. In the last several months something has occurred to me that has never even been a thought for me before. I AM HAPPY. Like insanely fucking happy. Why? Because I have come to terms with my past and I'm not afraid of my future anymore.
I told myself that I was going to walk away from people and things that made me unhappy this last year and I have done exactly that and as a result, I'm not sad anymore. I think this is the first time in my life that there hasn't even been a little thing in the back of my mind that is making me sad. I know I've made mistakes and I know I'll make more but I am choosing to wake up everyday and work on me. What I've really noticed lately is that too much negativity makes me shut off. I just can't deal with it at all. I don't want it in my life and I don't want to be sucked in. I've also stopped enjoying a lot of social media like I use to because I feel like it is a breeding ground for that behavior. I never thought even a few months ago I could stay off twitter and Facebook for a whole day but I have been a lot lately. I'll post and respond to my responses but I won't look. I know I can get wrapped up in my thoughts, which is why I started to blog in the first place. I know my thoughts can get the best of me and make me think I don't deserve to be happy. I know I let some people's opinions of me matter more than I should. I know I can be overly critical of those around me. I know that not only do I need to be better about building myself up but I need to do that for those around me too.
Another thing that I really think has changed me is working as the hair and make up artist with my friend/client/artist/genius/photographer Carrie. She does the most amazing Boudoir shoots I have ever seen. Each one that we have done so far has brought out so much beauty in each individual. And I do mean individual because each woman is very different, from looks, to lifestyle and to their story. But every time, Carrie makes magic out of the photos. It's really opened my eyes on how I see myself and other women.
I hope I can continue to see life in this light and know that I am worthy of my dreams and can fulfill meaningful relationships in my life. I keep saying it to those around me and I truly believe it because I am witnessing it in my life and that is "Speak it into existence." Whatever it is. Whatever you want.
I told myself that I was going to walk away from people and things that made me unhappy this last year and I have done exactly that and as a result, I'm not sad anymore. I think this is the first time in my life that there hasn't even been a little thing in the back of my mind that is making me sad. I know I've made mistakes and I know I'll make more but I am choosing to wake up everyday and work on me. What I've really noticed lately is that too much negativity makes me shut off. I just can't deal with it at all. I don't want it in my life and I don't want to be sucked in. I've also stopped enjoying a lot of social media like I use to because I feel like it is a breeding ground for that behavior. I never thought even a few months ago I could stay off twitter and Facebook for a whole day but I have been a lot lately. I'll post and respond to my responses but I won't look. I know I can get wrapped up in my thoughts, which is why I started to blog in the first place. I know my thoughts can get the best of me and make me think I don't deserve to be happy. I know I let some people's opinions of me matter more than I should. I know I can be overly critical of those around me. I know that not only do I need to be better about building myself up but I need to do that for those around me too.
Another thing that I really think has changed me is working as the hair and make up artist with my friend/client/artist/genius/photographer Carrie. She does the most amazing Boudoir shoots I have ever seen. Each one that we have done so far has brought out so much beauty in each individual. And I do mean individual because each woman is very different, from looks, to lifestyle and to their story. But every time, Carrie makes magic out of the photos. It's really opened my eyes on how I see myself and other women.
I hope I can continue to see life in this light and know that I am worthy of my dreams and can fulfill meaningful relationships in my life. I keep saying it to those around me and I truly believe it because I am witnessing it in my life and that is "Speak it into existence." Whatever it is. Whatever you want.
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