Dating

When it comes to dating, I know that I don't want to be cynical forever. I want to have hope. I want to believe there is someone out there for me. I want to believe when I make a connection with someone that they could be the one who changes my mind and makes me believe in love. I want to believe that not all men aren't looking just to bang me. I want to believe that when someone seems too good to be true, they really aren't. I want to believe that someone could see that I have a lot to offer.

Maybe everyone I meet is suppose to be teaching me a lesson. But I'm tired and I feel like I'm out of lessons to learn. Dating is exhausting. Trying to meet someone you really connect with is even worse. So when you do and your hopes are flying high, it hurts even more to be disappointed.

I feel like the main reason I don't date is that I can't handle the up and down of my feelings. I joke that I'm dead on the inside but in reality, I feel everything. I read into positives and and read into negatives. I see the messages that aren't there and I FEEEL THEM. I may not express to many people what I'm feeling, but I feel it. I internalize it. And it hurts.

I've never felt like I was ready to share my life with someone before, but now that I am, I'm sick of wasting my time. Don't fill me full of bull shit and lies. Because every time someone new does that to me, I build up a new wall. At this point, it's already really fucking hard to break them down. Don't make it worse.

I'm sick of feeling hurt, betrayed and lied to. At what point does that stop?