Fear Is A Mother Fucker

There is irrational fear and then there is really irrational fear. I experience both. Daily. Sometimes I am afraid of things that have happened to me in the past, will happen again. But most of the time I think about something that hasn't even happened nor do I have any reason to believe that they will happen.

I often think that all the time and dedication I've given to my career will never pay off. Which is completely stupid. 80% of hairstylist never even continue their education. Not only do I do that but I am an educator and I work with the best in the industry. Stupid, right?! I know I'm not where I want to be, but I'll get there. I think. I hope.

I'm also afraid of walking out of work or into my apartment alone at night. I blame this on having a stalker and being rob in the past, which are very legitimate reasons but I hate that I have live in fear of this. Stupid.

I hate that I'm also afraid of men for reasons listed above and many more. It's not like I think all men are bad. Only like 80%. Kidding. Kinda. As a moderately attractive woman, I seem to get a lot of attention. Most of it Un-welcomed. Like, stop being creeps dudes. Please?

I'm also seriously afraid of commitment but also afraid that I'll be alone forever. Also, stupid. I mean really?! Wtf is wrong with me. Anytime I start liking someone too much or thinking about them too much I start to find reasons to sabotage the relationship before it even has a chance to become one. I love to push people away. I act like an insane person as a test to see if you'll stick around. It is the most annoying thing about me. I think, there is no possible way this person actually likes me. I'm sure they just think I'll be a good time and that is it. Guys don't want to settle down with a girl like me. I can't be settled down.

Once that thought gets into my head, it is all a downward spiral from there. Suddenly I think I have no redeeming qualities when in reality, I have a lot. It is STUPID. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way?! People keep telling me I haven't met the right person yet. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MANY MEN I HAVE MET?! HUNDREDS. I'm 0-I don't even know. Maybe my words and actions aren't lining up. Maybe I'm sending the wrong message into the universe. I don't even know anymore but here is what I do know... FEAR IS A MOTHER FUCKER.