Knowing My Worth

I've heard it a million times that confidence is sexy. And even though most people who know me now would never think I've ever struggled with confidence, I have. It's taken me several years to grow into who I am and embrace the good and the bad. I think that is one of the greatest things about getting older. I will be 30 this year and that absolutely blows my mind. I have accomplished so much but yet still have so much I want to see, be and do. In the last several months something has occurred to me that has never even been a thought for me before. I AM HAPPY. Like insanely fucking happy. Why? Because I have come to terms with my past and I'm not afraid of my future anymore.

I told myself that I was going to walk away from people and things that made me unhappy this last year and I have done exactly that and as a result, I'm not sad anymore. I think this is the first time in my life that there hasn't even been a little thing in the back of my mind that is making me sad. I know I've made mistakes and I know I'll make more but I am choosing to wake up everyday and work on me. What I've really noticed lately is that too much negativity makes me shut off. I just can't deal with it at all. I don't want it in my life and I don't want to be sucked in. I've also stopped enjoying a lot of social media like I use to because I feel like it is a breeding ground for that behavior. I never thought even a few months ago I could stay off twitter and Facebook for a whole day but I have been a lot lately. I'll post and respond to my responses but I won't look. I know I can get wrapped up in my thoughts, which is why I started to blog in the first place. I know my thoughts can get the best of me and make me think I don't deserve to be happy. I know I let some people's opinions of me matter more than I should. I know I can be overly critical of those around me. I know that not only do I need to be better about building myself up but I need to do that for those around me too.

Another thing that I really think has changed me is working as the hair and make up artist with my friend/client/artist/genius/photographer Carrie. She does the most amazing Boudoir shoots I have ever seen. Each one that we have done so far has brought out so much beauty in each individual. And I do mean individual because each woman is very different, from looks, to lifestyle and to their story. But every time, Carrie makes magic out of the photos. It's really opened my eyes on how I see myself and other women.

I hope I can continue to see life in this light and know that I am worthy of my dreams and can fulfill meaningful relationships in my life. I keep saying it to those around me and I truly believe it because I am witnessing it in my life and that is "Speak it into existence." Whatever it is. Whatever you want.