Isolation

I feel like I've lost some of my sparkle, shine or whatever you want to call it that makes me me. I feel it everyday. Like a part of me is missing or something isn't fulfilled. I feel like the months I was in Chicago took it out of me. I felt very isolated and like I didn't know who my real friends were and I didn't have the ability in me to make new ones. I've always been a social person but that isn't always the same and having a lot of friends. I can talk to anyone. Literally anyone. But I have a very hard time establishing relationships with people. Past experiences have taught me that I have very few, if any that REALLY have my back. I have few people who have the ability to genuinely be happy for me. 

I've pulled away even more from people than I've ever been. I don't reach out. I don't make an effort. I don't know if the people of my past are a part of my future. My job makes it very hard to have relationships but it is the only thing that I feel like I am good at or get fulfillment from. When I'm teaching I get this high that isn't anywhere else in my life. I love being a huge part of helping others grow and be more successful at their career and passion. 

I don't know very many other people that are as career driven as I am. This makes it even harder to relate to people in my life. I'm not struggling financially. I don't hate my job or my life. I don't have kids or a boyfriend that a built in social circle comes with. I hate not having someone to relate with. I want to talk about goals and dreams. I want someone who will push me and I can push them. I want someone who believes in me wholeheartedly. 

I am just not open. I'm not open to new friends. I'm not open to dating. I'm not even open to past friends because I don't feel like they are really friends. I have a very critical outlook right now on who I want to let it. I've kept to myself on most of my recent travels and felt very left out. And I don't know how to communicate that I feel that way without sounding ridiculous. So I just keep to myself and work hard but the extrovert in me is dying to have a social life and friends.