Vulnerability

I honestly had no idea that this move would have been this hard on me. I had no idea it would be this hard for me to make friends. I had no idea it was possible for me to rather to stay home than be out. I had no idea that I would feel so meh about life. The salon is meh, most (not all) of the people I've met are meh, Sephora is significantly better but still meh. It really all boils down to my issues with vulnerability. I know that I am blocking my own joy and happiness by not being able to be vulnerable. In my head I think 'I want to make friends!' But the next immediate thought is, 'that means you'll have to let people in and be willing to accept the fact that they might hurt you or not want to be your friend.' So then my next thought is 'JUST KIDDING! I'll go home and be alone with my Twitter and facebook. That feels safer.' I've always said that this is something I want to work on and every time I get a little better at it, someone hurts me. I have lots of friends but not very many really close friends. I've had lots of relationships but not very many serious relationships. That is all my fault. The stupid little voice in the back of my head screaming "YOU'RE TOO MUCH, YOU'RE TOO LOUD, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU CAN'T BE LOVED, YOU'RE TOO NEEDY AND YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH!" Is so fucking loud that I forget it's not TRUE. It's not even tucking true at all. Maybe it once was but it's definitely not now. Maybe I do crave too much attention but wouldn't I rather have it from people who want to be there and give it to me? I haven't been myself at all since I've been here and I really think that the key to making friends and hopefully finding a relationships is to be able to be myself. I keep waiting for people to want to be in my life but why aren't I asking them to be in mine? It's going to be a long and lonely life if I can't get over letting people in.