Nothing Changes, If You Change Nothing

I have heard this phrase for much of my life, as I am sure most of you have. What does it really mean, though? I know I constantly find myself in a place where I want to change but because I can't really change my surroundings, friends, and family, that change has never really occurred. Over the years I have grown up and slowly morphed into more of an adult. I've gained some friends, I've lost some friends. I have bounced around from salon to salon hoping that something magical will happen and I will suddenly love where I work. I am constantly saying how much I would love a "start over" button.

Since I know that life isn't really going to give me a "start over" button. I think it is time that I really give my attention to the things I would like to change and actively pursue a better life everyday. Because of a recent event that happened in my life, I have spent the last month of my life crying, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. This is not the way I want to live my life. I would not wish it upon my worst enemy to be as sad as I have been. But not only sad, extremely hateful as well. I hate people for being happy, successful, having a large group of friends, and nearly anything that I feel I don't have. I have never considered myself to be a jealous person, but the hate that has filled my life in the last month is absolutely disgusting. I am ashamed to admit I feel this way.

I wish for nothing more in my life than to feel successful. I love what I do and I am very good at what I do. This didn't come completely naturally, I have spent a lot of time in the last 7 years attending continuing education. I know that I will always continue learning because I have a great passion for my career. What I want to focus my attention on in my career is finding a clientele that has an appreciation for how hard I have worked. I also want to spend my down time focusing on how I can grow as a stylist. I can't wait for the day that I am working on stage at a hair show for Pureology. But this does not come over night. I am going to have to practice patience and know that it will happen when the time is right. But until then, perfecting my skill and believing that it will happen.

Secondly, building my group of friends. Eesh! Making friends has been a struggle for me in my adult life. Many of my friends are friends I have had since I was 6 years old, unfortunately, they are spread out all over the state and country. I know I have a strong personality and I am a lot to take in, but I can also be an amazing friend. I am not sure what vibe I send out to women that they feel the need to automatically hate me but I would seriously like to change this. I hate that I can literally walk into a room full of women and without saying a thing, I already have haters. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to approach them to make them change their minds about me. Ladies, I have my insecurities just like you. Stop hating! Being in my late 20's and single makes it very hard to find new friends that are in the same place in their life. It is uncomfortable to have to reach out and make new friends. It almost feels desperate at times. But who doesn't need a good group of friends?

Next, my family life. Serious Eesh! I have tried for so many years to embrace my differences while still trying to make them happy. Ok, let's be realistic. That is NOT going to happen. I am very different from anyone else in my family, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I have allowed them for so long to have a negative opinion about me and my life. Now is the time to let them know that that is no longer acceptable. I will no longer let them make me feel bad about my life choices. I am not stripping, doing drugs, in prison, drinking too much nor have I killed anyone. I am a good person! My opinions may be different than theirs, but that is because I choose to be more open minded. I wouldn't want to be as narrow minded as they are or be living the life they think I should live.

And lastly, my love life. Serious UGH! I think a relationship will happen when I choose to forgive myself for all my failures. I cannot let my past define me. Yes, I have more experience than most but that doesn't mean I need to feel ashamed. I have to learn from my mistakes, let go and be less guarded. The hardest thing for me in dating is trusting someone. Not just in the sense of cheating, but believing anything they say. I have been filled with so much bull shit it is actually quite disgusting. I need to remember that not all men are bad. (But seriously, can the majority of you stop being douche bags) And that when the time is right, the right man is going to come into my life and change my perspective on everything.

If you haven't listened to Florence + The Machine's 'Shake it out', do so now. That is my current theme song. Here is to change, letting go and moving on for a happier, healthier life filled with success, friends, support, love and mostly laughter!