I'll Be Home For Christmas... Actually, I won't

I made the decision not to go home for Christmas this year for many reasons but mostly because the last two conversations between my sister and I via text have been mostly her telling me how selfish I am. Mind you, these two conversations were 20 days apart with no communication in between. It all started with her texting me that she didn't think we should draw names between siblings and their significant others this year and all buy gifts for Matt(my older brother) like we did last year. We all bought for him last year because he was going through his divorce and was having a hard time financially. So I told my sister I didn't think it was fair to all just buy for him again this year and that I've had a hard year financially too because of my health and opening my business at the salon. To which she responded, we are all in the same boat. Stop thinking about yourself for once.

It's funny that I have spent thousands of dollars on my siblings and their children over the last 7 years but I'm the selfish one. I have been to every wedding shower, baby shower, Christmas, Easter and birthday parties all bearing gifts for them and their kids and what have I received in return? Nothing. This year my sister called me after I was already out for the night to tell me Happy Birthday, my oldest brother told me on Facebook, my younger brother didn't tell me at all. They never congratulate me after something good has happened for me and my career, they never compliment me or tell me that they love me, only point out my flaws and tell me why I am still single.

For the last several years I have told people I only go home to see my nieces and nephews so they can form their own opinion of me before my siblings and parents can corrupt them into thinking I'm a horrible person. I've left 3 Christmases in the past bawling because my family treated me so horribly. I wasn't going to allow that to happen this year. I'd rather stay home and cry than go and come home feeling completely defeated and unloved.

It's not about receiving gifts, it's about feeling appreciated and loved and that someone took the time to think about you. I don't feel that way at all. I feel awful that I can't be with my nieces and nephews because they have done nothing wrong. I know instead of my family seeing that I am sick of being treated horribly it will be seen as that I'm trying to make things all about me again but I really am over feeling this way. I would never let my friends treat me or be treated this way, so why would I allow it for myself?

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. I will now be spending it with friends who have so kindly invited me in.

"You Just Might Make It"

This last month has been a game changer for my career. It has made my drive and ambition even stronger than what is was before. At the first of the month, I was on the road for 9 days straight. I started in LA for 4 days for training with Pureology. While I was there I stayed with my dear friend Andi. I always enjoy the insight and advice she has for me. This training was very different than any other training we have had in the 3 years I have been with the company. Most trainings work on our technical skills by teaching us new haircut and styling techniques, but this training was all about our facilitation skills. It wasn't what I was expecting at all but it was something I definitely needed. I have never had trouble getting up in front of people. I have always enjoyed speaking in front of people and sharing my knowledge. What I have struggled with though is feeling like I'm good enough or deserving enough to share what I know. I know in the back of my mind I have more education and training than 80% of hairstylists. I know that I have a passion for my craft. I know that I am good at what I do. What holds me back is that I don't feel like I have enough success to back it up. I don't feel like I am where I should be after almost 9 years of doing hair. I know a lot of that is my fault for bouncing around salons. I know sometimes I get wrapped up in myself instead of my client. I know I have made mistakes. I know from this point forward I want to forgive myself for those mistakes and keep my eye on the goal. That goal is to be a Platform Artist for Pureology. To inspire and motivate other stylists to grow their career.

The next 4 days of my trip I spent in Omaha, NE. Originally, I was suppose to work wardrobe for the models but after I arrived they informed me that they had brought someone in from the corporate office to do it and that I would now be doing hair. I instantly feel excited but nervous at the same time because our Lead Artist for the weekend is The Artistic Director for Pureology. I've never worked a show with her so I had no idea what that was going to be like or what her expectations would be. The first night after we picked out our models for the weekend, Wendy (Artistic Director) told me she was going to bring me on stage. I kinda laughed to myself because I assumed she meant to hand her bobby pins and hairspray. The next day we prepped our models and had rehearsal and she said "And this is when I'll bring Shea and Beavs (yes she called me by a nickname all weekend) on stage with me." My stomached dropped and I said to her, "You know I'm just a level 1 Artist, right?" Which means I'm not suppose to go on stage yet. And she says to me, "Can you do it?" I freak... "YES I CAN!" We didn't get to practice the look we showed on stage til 11:30 that night, didn't go to bed til 1 then got up at 3:30 to start prepping models at 5 and get on stage at 8:30. Great, my first time on stage ever and I've had 2 1/2 hrs of sleep. I still got on stage and did the look flawlessly. (Although I thought my knees would surely break from knocking together) I still can't believe how perfect the weekend went. I went on stage 4 different times, each time better than the last. I received lots of compliments on my skills from Wendy and really bonded with the Artists. It was exactly what I needed.

Something that kinda stuck out to me during those 9 days is how many times I was asked if I intended on getting married or having a family. It is a known fact about the job of a Platform Artist that being one and having a relationship and a family is a very difficult balance. In fact, after being asked if I wanted those things by my roommate in Omaha and me replying no, she said, "Well you just might make it."

Not a "might", I will. Because I want it so bad. More than anything else.

My Health Or My Sanity

Apparently I don't get to have both. Long term is to be healthy. Right now I'm losing my fucking mind.

A few months ago I went to a new Dr to see if he could figure out why my thyroid was swollen and after a lot of testing, we figured out it was a lot more than my thyroid. Turns out I have a gluten allergy which stemmed the inflammation of my stomach, small intestine, thyroid, part of my brain and after I injured my arm the inflammation took over there too. I also was vitamin D deficient, hypoglycemic and had a bacteria and parasite in my digestive tract. I knew I felt bad but I had no idea it was that bad.

My Dr. put me on 6 different supplements to help my immune system, the inflammation, give me nutrients and get rid of the bacteria. As well as putting me on the worse diet that anyone could possibly think of. The diet consists of: No grains, beans, nuts, dairy, eggs, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, high glycemic fruits (melons, bananas, or tropical fruits) low shade vegetables (potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, peppers) and no condiments or sauces of any kind. You may be asking yourself, what can you eat? Simple: Nothing that could potentially bring any joy or happiness to my life. I eat the same thing basically everyday. Grilled chicken, turkey bacon, sweet potatoes, broccoli, plums and apples. The occasional salad with oil and vinegar as my dressing and maybe a few berries here and there.

As a former vegan bringing meat back into my diet has really sucked. But I have to eat it 3-4 times a day. I've mostly been eating chicken and turkey bacon because it is all I can stomach. Every time I eat it's because I know I have to. There is no joy in prepping or eating my meals like there use to be. Everyone thinks this should be easier than being a vegan but it's so much worse. There is no variety. And unless I want to go to the store everyday to pick out 1-2 fruits and vegetables at a time, it just has to be this way otherwise things go bad before I can eat them.

I also didn't realize how much of my social life surrounded eating and drinking. Now that I'm on this stupid diet, I have no social life at all. I can't go out to many restaurants because of all the restrictions and I don't want to go out to the bar to watch other people drink. This has made me terribly cranky. I hate feeling alone. I hate not being able to live my life. I have spent way too much time of the last 3 weeks either in bed or on my couch. I don't see why anyone would even want to be around me right now because I'm seriously a hag. Oh and I can t work out either. Which makes my mood even worse.

I only have one more week until they add some grains and nuts back in, I believe. If I can make it through this week! My nerves are wearing thin and I want to cry all the time because I feel so isolated. I leave for LA in 3 weeks and will be traveling non-stop for 9 days. I really hope by that point I can eat somewhat normally and drink coffee and vodka or I think I will just walk out onto the 405.

I am truly miserable. The only plus side is that I've lost 5 pounds which looks much more like 15. Pants are fitting that haven't fit in years and you can see my hip bones. Hooray to starving to death!

With One Hand On The Escape Button

A few months back my thyroid decided to stop functioning properly and turning me into a tired, anxious, sleepless crazy person. So this last month I went to go see a specialist in KC about it and what we could do to heal it. I don't want to be on medicine so I've chosen a more holistic approach hoping that maybe it's something that can be fixed with just my diet. I had to have 9 tubes of blood taken, saliva and stool samples as well as a nuerological exam. In the meantime of waiting on my results, (which I will get on Thursday) I have somehow managed to injure my arm. I don't know when or how it happened. One day I woke up and it was hurting pretty bad, two days later I went to my Chiropractor and he did Active Release therapy on it and it was sore for a few days but then started feeling better. The next week I pushed myself up using my arm and literally screamed out profanities. 2 days later I went back for more active release and I was in tears. The next night I was in tears again by the time I got off work because I was in so much pain. That weekend I canceled all my clients because I couldn't work and went back into the chiropractor on Monday. At that appt he told me I have Bicipital Tendonitis and that I needed to take 2-4 weeks off work if I wanted it to ever heal. I told him I couldn't afford to do that and he said well then you are looking at 4-6 weeks for healing to the point you can work but you might want to start thinking about your options because this will haunt your career the rest of your life. He told me I needed to be in a sling when I'm not working and not to raise my arm or engage my bicep if at all possible. I left there bawling. I don't want to think about my options because I don't know what else to do with my life. All of this has just been way to much for me to deal with. Not to mention I just ended my year long relationship shortly before all of this.

So the other day my dear friend Andi calls to check in and see how I'm doing with everything I have going on and I literally have a meltdown. To which she says "Heather, you act like being told to think about your options is a bad thing. You always have one hand on the escape button ready to bust out of any place or relationship you don't want to be in anymore." If it weren't so true, it might hurt. But I do, when I am do with something I am just done. No questioning, wondering or debating. Just black and white. I am done. I hit that escape button and I am out of there. Ive been wanting to escape from the life I know right now for a long time. I'm not so sure this is a good quality to have. I guess it means I'm never really fully invested in anyone or anything. It just makes me wonder if I will ever just stop searching for more and just be happy where I am. Or maybe I haven't found where I am suppose to be yet. I would love to be living in Cali with Andi. I would love to find a place out there that feels like home to me. I feel like this arm injury is such a road block to my dreams of being out there and working my way up with Pureology. I'm so angry that this happened. I can't help but to feel sad and confused daily. I have no idea what to do with my life at this point but I want to run away. I'm off work all week trying to let my arm heal. I'm going to try to take this time to really soul search what I want and how I can make that happen so I don't feel so sad anymore. But really I just want to run away.

Things I'm Unneccessarily Self-Conscious About

1. My weight- I feel like this is the way it is for most girls. Unfortunately, I still see myself as 40-50 pounds overweight when I'm not anymore. I work out regularly and I eat pretty healthy for the most part. I always think that someone is going to make a comment about my weight when in reality no one has in YEARS.

2. My cellulite- I have it, most girls have it and it won't go away no matter how thin I am. Guys seem to be attracted to my ass, I however find it disgusting and cellulite covered.

3. The gap in my teeth- I have this little gap on the right side of my mouth and if you see me from the front, you won't notice it but if you look at me from the side you will. I hate it. My dentist won't give me a retainer to fix it because he says it isn't bad enough.

4. All my fillings- When I was little I had soft teeth so the majority of the back of my mouth had cavities. I want them all to be replaced with white ones. It's too expensive for now.

5. My nose- I've always felt like I have a big nose. But I'll never get surgery so I guess I'll just deal with it.

6. Eating in front of people- mostly people I don't know very well... Like on first dates or big parties. It gives me anxiety.

7. The scars and pores on my face- It makes me uncomfortable for people to look at me too long because I feel like they are looking at them.

Staying True To Who I Am

If there is one thing I would want people in my life to describe me as, it would be genuine. To me, there is nothing worse than being fake. Sure, we all have times where we aren't happy or just aren't feeling whatever it is that we have to do so we put on a happy face and fake it 'til we make it. That is not what I am talking about. I am talking about that person who has no idea who they are so they just act accordingly to whoever they are hanging out with or who they are dating. I have to say I am pretty lucky that I know who I really am. So many people get lost in the crowd or caught up with society and never really establish beliefs or thoughts of their own.

So who am I? I am first, a passionate hairstylist with big dreams of becoming the Artistic Director and Platform Artist for Pureology. I love teaching and sharing with those who want to learn in my industry. I am extremely confident in my skills as a hair stylist, but that comes with my undying love for education. I give all I have to be the best I possibly can at what I do. I love it so much that I have been working through being in pain for much of this year. I can't imagine not being able to do what I love.

I am an Auntie to 3 nephews and 2 nieces that truly bring light to my life. My first nephew Landon is 6 1/2. He is smart, artistic (just like his Dad and Papa) and adventurous. My first Niece Lola is almost 4. She is Sassy (like her auntie) a daddy's girl and so beautiful. My second nephew Kylen is 3. He and I have a special bond. I'm his "favorite girl". He is the smartest little boy I have ever met, stubborn and a little bit OCD. My second Niece Kinsley is 19 months. She is already outgoing, bossy and very independent. Also, the cutest thing I have ever seen. My third nephew Braylon is almost 2. He is a handful, obsessed with movies and just like his daddy. I never turn down the time to see my babies, hold them and tell them I love them.

I am a gay-loving, vegan, feminist- Liberal. (I feel like I can lump these into the same category) These are my beliefs. These are my core. I wasn't raised to be this way at all. I didn't become this way to rebel against my parents and upbringing. I am this way because it is what feels "right" to me. I truly care about the rights of my gay friends. I don't want them to have to feel ashamed of who they are anymore, or to be denied the same rights as others because of who they love. I feel the same about women, it is so hard for us to get ahead and lead the way. Society leaves much to be desired when it comes to giving us women to look up to. I feel like the message they send is all women should be materialistic whores. It's sad. Really sad. I would like to set a better example than that.

I am a girlfriend to an amazing guy. Jermaine is pretty much my polar opposite. He is reserved, always kind, slightly conservative, meat-eating, hopeless romantic. Sometimes(most of the time), I don't know how he puts up with me. Despite our differences, we actually get along really well. Although, I feel like I am constantly pushing him to grow up and be more like a 28 year old than a 23 year old that he is. Everyday is a challenge with him but one I gladly accept.

I am a cautious friend. As much of a social butterfly as I am and how much I enjoy interacting and meeting new people, I don't let a lot of people in. I have a lot of people that I call "friends" but very few who know my every move and thought. I will listen to you and be there for you and I will be forever loyal. I just can't trust most people to be the same for me. I'm terribly guarded and horribly cynical. I love and hate this about myself. I get caught up in work and planning my future and forget to include others. I get my feelings hurt easily by friends but never say anything. I can have easier conversation with guys than girls.(A lot of people think that makes me a flirt) I told myself for much of my life that I was too much of a bitch to have girlfriends. I don't believe that is true anymore.

Most of all, I am not ashamed of who I have turned out to be. I don't want to change and and I don't want people in my life who want to change me. I am happy.

Always Keep The End Result In Mind

That is a saying we have as hairstylists. "Always keep the end result in mind." What does that mean? When I am cutting, coloring or styling hair, it means that every movement of my shears, razor or texture shears, placement of every foil, formula for every color, use of products and hot tools determines what look you will have when you leave my chair. I am literally thinking about the end result the entire time I am doing your hair to make sure I achieve the look you want. In case any of you weren't aware, that is a lot of pressure. Our hair is directly proportionate to how we feel about ourselves. I help you decide how you feel about yourself. Whoa...

What else that is fascinating to me is what I can learn by applying that to my life away from work. "Always keep the end result in mind." If I am able to do that in my personal life, that would make life so much easier. Basically, whatever I am doing at the current moment, will that help me with my end result? Whether it is something I am eating, whoever I am dating, people I choose as friends, or how I deal with my family. This is all a part of my end result. In the end, I want to be healthy, successful, surrounded by friends and loved one and most of all happy. From this point on, I'm going to try my hardest to only keep people and things in my life that help with my end result.