With One Hand On The Escape Button

A few months back my thyroid decided to stop functioning properly and turning me into a tired, anxious, sleepless crazy person. So this last month I went to go see a specialist in KC about it and what we could do to heal it. I don't want to be on medicine so I've chosen a more holistic approach hoping that maybe it's something that can be fixed with just my diet. I had to have 9 tubes of blood taken, saliva and stool samples as well as a nuerological exam. In the meantime of waiting on my results, (which I will get on Thursday) I have somehow managed to injure my arm. I don't know when or how it happened. One day I woke up and it was hurting pretty bad, two days later I went to my Chiropractor and he did Active Release therapy on it and it was sore for a few days but then started feeling better. The next week I pushed myself up using my arm and literally screamed out profanities. 2 days later I went back for more active release and I was in tears. The next night I was in tears again by the time I got off work because I was in so much pain. That weekend I canceled all my clients because I couldn't work and went back into the chiropractor on Monday. At that appt he told me I have Bicipital Tendonitis and that I needed to take 2-4 weeks off work if I wanted it to ever heal. I told him I couldn't afford to do that and he said well then you are looking at 4-6 weeks for healing to the point you can work but you might want to start thinking about your options because this will haunt your career the rest of your life. He told me I needed to be in a sling when I'm not working and not to raise my arm or engage my bicep if at all possible. I left there bawling. I don't want to think about my options because I don't know what else to do with my life. All of this has just been way to much for me to deal with. Not to mention I just ended my year long relationship shortly before all of this.

So the other day my dear friend Andi calls to check in and see how I'm doing with everything I have going on and I literally have a meltdown. To which she says "Heather, you act like being told to think about your options is a bad thing. You always have one hand on the escape button ready to bust out of any place or relationship you don't want to be in anymore." If it weren't so true, it might hurt. But I do, when I am do with something I am just done. No questioning, wondering or debating. Just black and white. I am done. I hit that escape button and I am out of there. Ive been wanting to escape from the life I know right now for a long time. I'm not so sure this is a good quality to have. I guess it means I'm never really fully invested in anyone or anything. It just makes me wonder if I will ever just stop searching for more and just be happy where I am. Or maybe I haven't found where I am suppose to be yet. I would love to be living in Cali with Andi. I would love to find a place out there that feels like home to me. I feel like this arm injury is such a road block to my dreams of being out there and working my way up with Pureology. I'm so angry that this happened. I can't help but to feel sad and confused daily. I have no idea what to do with my life at this point but I want to run away. I'm off work all week trying to let my arm heal. I'm going to try to take this time to really soul search what I want and how I can make that happen so I don't feel so sad anymore. But really I just want to run away.