I've Lost My Happy

There was a time this summer when I was deliriously happy, things seemed to be going in the direction I wanted them to, I spent a lot of time with friends, I traveled, I went to concerts, I laid by the pool and I was in shape. Now fast forward to the last few months and I cannot seem to find a thing to be happy about. And the things that do make me happy are very momentary.

I just feel incredibly inferior. I feel like I am failing miserably and just walking through the motions of my life. This is not the life I want. And the sad thing is I don't know how to get the life I want because I am too scared to make the big steps it is going to take to get me out of my head, and start following my heart.

I wake up everyday dreading going to work. I hate it there. I don't hate what I do, I just hate where I work. There is no team, there is no support. I try so hard to build my business but yet, I am not busy enough and I'm not making enough money. Every time I try to have a conversation with my boss, she rips my head off. I try to make suggestions to make the salon more successful and she shoots them down. I hate everything from some of my co workers, to the color of the walls, to the goddamn "pedicure throne" we just bought that is the biggest waste of money. I've thought about leaving many times, but the question always is what if where I go is worse??? Then what? Then I'm back to feeling stuck and just walking through the motions of doing what I love in a place I hate. This last time I thought about leaving, I was pretty vocal about it and the one person who I thought had my back and would listen to my reasoning totally stabbed me in the back. That makes it even harder to walk in there and try to put on a happy face, knowing that nobody has my back or wants to help me. This last month was the best month I have had since I started working there and somehow I still left my monthly meeting feeling inferior and having my boss shoot down all my goals for this next year. WTF is that?

I know I could be successful, I am good at what I do, I love what I do, I am an Artist with Pureology and a now Redken Certified Haircolorist. I have a lot of passion for my career. I love to teach, I love to learn and I love my clients. I have been pretty busy teaching for Pureology lately and have quite a few things coming up for me as well.

A huge part of me wants to move out of Kansas, preferably to California. I want to start over, I want to be somewhere warmer, I want a more active social life and to be able to do more with my career. The other part of me wants me to be more reasonable and maybe stay here and open my own salon. After all, I do have clients here and have been getting a lot of work with Pureology here and I am not promised that if I move.

I just know I cannot continue to live the way I have been living. I want to be excited to go to work everyday and know that I am making a difference and I deserve happiness.