I'm Single Again

I had the feeling that this was coming. Adam and I relationship has been very hard since the beginning of the year and I really thought it was going to get better. After Adam went through my phone and my facebook a few months back I kinda wondered how much longer we could possibly last. We would have been together for 2 years on the 11th of this month. It was my longest relationship and one that I saw myself staying in for the long run until all of this happen.

About a month ago Adam went through the history of my computer and checked my email and facebook again. I can't even begin to describe how much it hurts to be with someone that doesn't trust you and has no reason not to trust you. I was not cheating on him nor did I have any intentions of cheating on him. After I found out that he had been looking through my stuff again I told him that I was done. He cried, begged and threw a huge fit for me to forgive him. How do you forgive that??? How do you just move on with someone who doesn't trust you? And if you don't trust me after 2 years, will you ever? I have to think no! He said that he was going to get help and he wanted to work through it. So I just kinda avoided things because I was getting ready to leave for Orlando. When I came back things really blew up and he decided he would move out to his parents because he didn't want to be somewhere where "He wasn't loved". We agreed that he could come back to the house to do his homework while I am at work and not to get in each others way. Unfortunately, he hasn't been able to do this. He has been here a lot when I am here and every time I see him, he starts a fight. He has an amazing way of making me feel like the bad person. He says things like "I can't be happy without you",
"It kills me that you don't love me", "It's like you don't even care about me" and "If you want to see me happy then you would just get back with me and work things out". The thing is that I don't want to work things out. I'm sick to death of fighting and feeling like I have to pick him up all the time. I don't want to be responsible for his happiness. I've run out of things to say to him because the only thing he wants to hear from me is that I want to get back together.

I haven't been able to sleep since we broke up because I'm not use to sleeping alone anymore and honestly, I'm terribly worried about him. I care about him and I always will but we don't want the same things and our lives weren't heading in the same direction. I think it's funny that now he is saying that he wants me to be myself, when during our whole relationship he tried to control and censor me constantly. It also scares me to have to date again. I was never good at the whole dating thing. The longest relationship before Adam was a few months and was never serious.

I'm honestly quite relieved to not be in a relationship anymore but I just wish that I could say or do something to help Adam move on and stop making me feel so terrible!